The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Archive for November, 2008

Friday people…Friday!

Posted by lanktank on November 28, 2008

And it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. Jesus this has been a long week. I think it’s because the weather has been good. When the weather is good, you end up resenting (more than usual) the fact that you’re in the office.

There is nothing more painful than waiting for the time to pass… you will notice I have chosen to write this incredibly pointless and disappointing blog entry. I apologise to anyone reading this. I wish I could make it better or at least make it funny. Wouldn’t you like to read a funny blog entry? Something to pass the time, even if only for a minute. One sweet, blissful minute of non-stop smiling and laughter, maybe even a tear, something you can think back on and say, “Man, that was a goodie. That made the excruciating pain of Friday all worth it.”

Well, you’re not going to get it here, not today anyway. I’m too weak, too desperate, too longing for the end. I went to make some tea earlier. That always kills four and half minutes but they’ve changed the milk brand and the new one blows. So, yes, I wasted some time but got lousy tea in return and that just makes me sad. Can’t I catch a break?

What’s the time now… 16h02! Oh come on! I swear to God, the clock is going slowly on purpose. I’m counting, “One crocodile, two crocodile” and it’s going much quicker than this “computer” clock. OK, now it’s 16h09… I had written other lines during these last seven minutes but chose to delete them. One was about Me vs. Machines and the other was about energy in the morning. Neither was very good so I removed them. Although I’m telling you about it now and it’s not like this sentence is any more entertaining.

One thing happening this weekend is I’m off to a “celebrity” themed birthday party. The catch is you get told who to be on the invite. I’ve been asked to go as Courtney Love. Apparently my friend perceives me as a drunken crack whore. Probably not that far off…

Have a lekker naweek ek se!

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The Case of the Missing Lunch Lady

Posted by lanktank on November 27, 2008

The lunch lady didn’t pitch today and it has not gone down well here at the office. It was all fun and games when everyone thought she was just a little late. I even remember the banter… “Ooh, if Lunch lady isn’t here by 12 then she owes me a free pie,” and “Imagine she didn’t pitch? I promise you, I promise you, I’ll hang myself. Ha ha ha” and “Ya, and then I’ll just have to eat you to survive.” (yip, that’s right; these are the people I work with) but 1 ‘o clock has come and gone, there has been no Lunch Lady and things have deteriorated… rather rapidly…

I swear to God it’s like something out of Night of the Living Dead in this place. Co workers are turning on each other like their lives depend on it. I even overheard Thelma, the 56 year old cleaning lady say things I’m not prepared to repeat. OK, I am. She said, “Slut!” which isn’t so crass except for the fact it come out of a 56 your old lady’s mouth but it made me chuckle so I felt it justified.

It’s not just Thelma, the receptionist is crying, the sales rep is rocking himself in the foetal position and Work Manager punched the wall right before he resigned. I walked into my office after a meeting and heard Abba blaring from Thrash’s computer… this world doesn’t make sense anymore!

I hope Lunch Lady is back tomorrow to restore order although I’m also worried for her safety on her return… people here don’t forgive or forget easily…

Oh! I wonder if Jason hung himself… probably no such luck.

Posted in - Ex Work Manager, - LT, - Thrash, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Personal Space: I need it

Posted by lanktank on November 26, 2008

Why do some people insist on standing so close to me when I’m in a queue? I’m already aggravated being there, now I have to have someone breathing down my neck as well, literally? All I want to say is, “Back it up buddy. There’s no need to invade the P.S. (Personal Space). We’re all entitled to some. Now could you reverse a step and get out of my face?”

Except I don’t say that because I’m too polite or pathetic; you take your pick. Instead I find myself shifting and leaning as forward as I can possibly go without invading the person in front of me’s P.S. but this makes no difference. They just edge their way closer and closer towards me, practically rubbing their chest against my shoulder blade. I can literally smell their deodorant and then they sneeze and I want to vomit. WHY? Why do you want to be so close to a stranger? You think taking this 7mm step is going to get you any quicker to the queue? Because I assure you, it isn’t.

Although, on a side bar, when people in the traffic don’t go forward when a tiny gap has been made in front of them, it drives me mofo mental. I’m not sure why because the same logic applies; whether or not that car shifts two metres forward or not, I’m not going to get home any faster. But I don’t know, the rules are reversed when it comes to traffic.

Driving up someone’s arse when there’s no traffic is most unnecessary, however, if you’re in the fast lane and are driving at snail’s pace, then get ready for some anal driving. Although, reasonable time should be given for that person to move into the left or middle lane before driving like an A-hole around them.

Hey, I don’t make up the rules, I just live by them.

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Not so much the King of My Castle

Posted by lanktank on November 25, 2008

OMIGOD!

I just found out the correct lyrics to that cheesy, dance track “King of My Castle” by Wamdue Project and I’m mortified to say it’s not what I’ve been singing all these years.

Don’t ask how this song and revelation came up in convo (God, don’t you hate it when people say “convo” – it’s conversation Lamebag, I know those two extra syllables are SUCH a luss to say but just do it so you don’t sound like a complete fucking A-hole) but it did.

While I’ve always thought it was: “Must be the reason why I’m King of my Castle…must be the reason why I’m queen of my trestle”

It’s in fact: “Must be the reason why I’m King of my Castle…must be the reason why I’m free in my trapped soul.”

Which, OK, now when I think about it, makes far more sense. How did I not get that? And what’s a trestle anyway? I’ll tell you, according to The Free Dictionary by Farlex:

1. A horizontal beam or bar held up by two pairs of divergent legs and used as a support.

2. A framework consisting of vertical, slanted supports and horizontal crosspieces supporting a bridge.

 

So why would someone be Queen of one of those? As far as I can make out, it’s a beam that supports a bridge. That’s like me saying I’m the Duchess of my teapot… ridiculous. Although I like the idea of being a Duchess. Who do Duchess’ marry? Duke’s? But don’t Duke’s marry Dames?

So, this leads me to the question of what other songs have I been getting wrong all these years? You know, those songs you’re like, 96% sure of the lyrics… “I’m pretty sure, I mean, I can’t be THAT far off…yeah, I got this.”

Au contraire!

Here’s just a couple of tracks I’ve been getting wrong since they were released… oh the humiliation! Read the rest of this entry »

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Springboks Sker

Posted by lanktank on November 24, 2008

So first things first, I trust everyone watched the 42-6 obliteration that was the South Africa vs. England rugby game on Saturday; Victory and gloating at its finest.

Fourie’s try – sick

The Bakkies Botha/Pieterson tackle – even sicker

Schalk Burger just being Schalk Burger – the sickest

I could go on and on about how coolio the game was, how coolio our team is/ how coolio we, the public, are but what I really wanted to write about was this:

Just after Habana scored his try at the end of the game, did anyone else see the boks… do “the scissors?” And do you think this has any relation to the Afrikaans, teen classic movie, Bakgat? OK, I might be using the term “classic” a little loosely here but I’ve seen the movie and what Habana and Burger, among others, were doing to celebrate, was the “sker” from Bakgat.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie (and I’m not even joking, I recommend you give it a watch) the two standard geeky/horny/socially inept characters have this joke between each other that whenever something cool happens they “sker” each other in order to acknowledge it. It’s by far the funniest thing in the movie, along with some other pearler one liners.

So, my question still stands: Did the Springboks watch Bakgat and if so, when? Was it one of the movie selections on the plane going over to the UK? Did they all go to Peter De Villiers’ hotel room one evening and watch it as a team building exercise? Was there popcorn and Milo involved? And whose idea was it? Were there other DVD’s they decided to watch and if so which ones? Was Braveheart one of them? Diehard 4.0? Maybe a RomCom, like Knocked Up, you know, to lighten the mood?

Whatever the case, whoever the instigator and even if it had nothing to do with the movie whatsoever, seeing them “sker-ring” at the end of the match… was “fokken genius pappa!”*

*This is another Bakgat reference and will only be amusing to the minority who have actually seen it… apologies to everyone else.

Posted in - LT, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Pirates and Parrots

Posted by lanktank on November 21, 2008

It’s the end of a very long Friday, C-Dawg and I have reached new levels of crapness…

LT: C-Dawg! Nearly weekend!!

fuck ya

C-Dawg: fuck yeah or fuck ya? Coz they’re not the same thing

LT: yes sorry fingers went a little fast there…hit the enter too soon

C-Dawg: lol

LT: they’re close though, I mean, I meant yeah…but thinking about it now, what’s wrong with ya?

C-Dawg: In some countries yes

LT: well, in this country C-Dawg. I’m talking to u. This isn’t a public announcement; I’m not addressing the United Nations

C-Dawg: they busy chasing pirates anyway

i was just saying, with all this pirate stuff

LT: yes

C-Dawg: I haven’t seen any parrots or eye patches

these pirates really shld be kicking it more old school

at least the leader shld set an example

LT: yes…certainly not the same pirates we see in Pirates of the Caribbean

C-Dawg: well, it’s a damn shame if u ask me

LT: it’s hard to find those hats these days

C-Dawg: yeah, i guess so

parrots r still widely available though

LT: yes, African Greys are as common as your standard goldfish (I have no idea)

My gran used to have one named Bruce

he swore a lot and had the sound the phone made when it rang down to a fine art so you’d go pick up the phone and then hear coming from the cage “hehehe… fuck you”

C-Dawg: i had a cousin called bruce; he did pretty much the same thing

we also kept him in a cage

parrots seem too vicious, i don’t like the idea of a pet taking my finger off

LT: we eventually gave him to the world of birds

C-Dawg: i never see parrots eating crackers, with or without cheese

LT: well then C-Dawg, you have never lived

C-Dawg: indeed, sometimes I feel that way

i’m spent, my week is officially over. Well, technically it ended somewhere this morning

LT: ya, I’m done. Keep the peace

C-Dawg: Until next week.

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R.I.P. Pigeon 2

Posted by lanktank on November 21, 2008

Kleppie is Fakeme, the housemate’s, boyfriend. The nickname Kleppie is derived from the word kleptomaniac, which he is. I say this because a few weeks ago I caught him stealing my toothpaste… not just some of the paste, but the entire tube itself. I called him on it and he claimed it was an “accident” and that our toothpastes look “similar” but I don’t buy it.

I’ve tried to tell Fakeme that we’re dealing with our own Winona Ryder and action must be implemented. I know his game, he’s going to clean us out, item by item, and by the time we’ve noticed the dining chairs have gone missing, he’ll be half way to Botswana. Yesterday, the cheese slicer disappeared, I’m almost certain it was him but I have no proof.

However, Kleppie does read my blog, and after reading R.I.P. Pigeon, he sent me this, and boy did it make me laugh… Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in - Fakeme, - Kleppie, - LT, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Newly Discovered Planet Totally Looks Like Eye Of Sauron

Posted by lanktank on November 20, 2008

Newly Discovered Planet Totally Looks Like Eye Of Sauron

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So True

Posted by lanktank on November 20, 2008

Consequences of gay marriage

Posted in Pics to checks | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Mango still Grooving

Posted by lanktank on November 19, 2008

The other day, at work, I had to call the worst place you could possibly call. It’s the place we all fear most, but at some point in our lives, all have to face. Just talking about it now gives me chills but I’ll keep talking nevertheless… that’s right, it’s not the dentist, it’s not the bank… its Telkom.

God! Even finding the number for the division of Telkom I needed to speak to was an impossible task so I was suckered into dialling 1023. Isn’t this a piece of shite directory, where I get spoken to by the snootiest lady ever, who I’m not entirely sure is a real person. And has anyone else noticed how weirdly pitched she goes on the numbers when she talks; “You are twenTY…SEVen in the queue. Your call will be answered in approximately fouR… and a HALF minutes.” Followed by the most excruciating tune I have ever heard, “Na na, na naaaa, na na ni ni niiii! Da na da na, na na naaaa, ni ni niiiiii” (excuse my singing, I don’t have the best voice) and this repeats itself for the next fouR and a HALF minutes, until I finally get through to an operator but by now, I’ve forgotten why I called. So, I find myself asking, “Who is the composer of this song and where can I execute him?” Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in - Ex Work Manager, - LT, - Thrash, Things that are Rubbish, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »