The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Coke Zero Experience

Posted by lanktank on November 12, 2008

Last Friday, a group of us decided to go watch a couple of bands at The Assembly. Now I love The Assembly but there have been a few buzz-kill bar experiences (like waiting over 30 minutes to get to get a drink) which have brought down the: “Enjoy-ability of the night vs amount of Hunters Dry in my body” ratio. It’s not the most dignified confession to make but a huge portion of my clubbing nights depend on how easily accessible the alcohol is from the bar to my lips.

I clearly wasn’t the only person who was a little worried about the pending night out because when the masses arrived at my house for a pre-Assembly drinks warm-up, a number of them had brought the necessary elements needed for a successful middle-of the-evening car bar – Vodka and Coke Zero 500ml bottles. Now I know what you’re thinking; being 24 and all I really should be steering away from cheap, student life manoeuvres but in my defence, it wasn’t my idea (although I was ashamed I hadn’t thought of it first) and the main instigator of it ALL was 27! So… not really sure how any of that defends my point. Moving on…

Anyway, the night was a blast, so much so that I didn’t end up joining my fellow friends for the extra booze as I was having no trouble inside, at the bar whatsoever. Maybe it was my glamourous smile or my awesome jokes… (Or the *cough* revealing top *cough* hitting on random stranger at front of bar queue *cough* cough*). EITHER way, I never made it out to the car, until it was home time and designated non-drunk driver drove us all home.

The following Monday as I was getting ready for work, packing my home-made lunch (don’t judge me), I noticed a few left over Coke Zero’s in the fridge. Score! When friends leave stuff at other friends’ houses, their stuff now becomes your stuff. So, I thought I’d take one with me to work. I was excited because with Coke Zero being a relatively new drink in South Africa, I’d never tried it before, but had heard only two things:

  1. It tastes EXACTLY like Coke but with NO sugar – From the Coca Cola Adverts (Maaaybe they can’t be entirely trusted but I was intrigued nonetheless)
  2. “Don’t bother, it leaves a manky aftertaste!” – From my housemate, Fakeme.

Now, this is the first time I’m introducing Fakeme to you. She’s a delight… bar the complete paranoia and irrationality of her mind. We used to work together, now live together but don’t work together anymore. But you’ll hear more about her in many times to come. My point right now is, I’m not sure who can be trusted… it’s The Coca Cola Company vs. Fakeme.

Lunch time rolls round and it’s time for lunch. I open my lunch box, unwrap the plastic from my ham and cucumber sandwich and lay my apple and Coke Zero out next to me. I’m working on something important so I decide to eat at my desk while continuing to work (sad, pathetic, pitiful, take your pick). I open the Coke Zero and begin to drink it.

At this point, I feel it’s best to give you a blow by blow re-enactment of the thought process going through my head. Let’s begin:

1st sip: “Fakeme was right! This does have a weird aftertaste”

2nd sip: “And quite a kick to it too, that’s odd”

Take a bite from the sandwich.

3rd sip: Head begins to shudder and face twitches uncontrollably.

4th sip: “Maybe it’s because it’s been out of the fridge for a bit…you know how siff warm Coke is!” (You will notice my mind is now talking to me)

Another bite from the sandwich.

Carry on typing at the computer.

5th sip: Head begins to shudder and face twitches uncontrollably.

6th sip: Cough, cough, cough

7thsip: “Jesus, how many preservatives has Coke put into this drink? This shite is worse than Coke Light! What the GWAT is wrong with Coca Cola? They’re really losing the plot. Who the hell do they think is going to drink this KAK? I really had high hopes for this, what a mistake, what a tragedy. A plague on all your soda brands, Coca Cola, a plague! Shame on you Coke, SHAME… ON… YOOOOU!!!”


8th sip: “Oooohh, there’s Vodka in this drink… from Friday night… my bad”

In my ever so slightly inebriated state on Friday, I had kind of forgotten about the car bar.

9th sip: “Oh well, I need something to wash this sandwich down… might as well finish it…”

And that’s the Coke Zero Experience –the day I accidently brought alcohol to work and accidently drank it.

In retrospect, I’m a little chagrined* it took me over half the bottle before figuring out I was drinking Vodka… and I’d like to apologise to Coke. Since that fiasco, I’ve had straight Coke Zero and rather enjoyed it.

*Chagrined – I know, right? Who uses that word? And what does it even mean? LAME!

3 Responses to “The Coke Zero Experience”

  1. Carl said

    OK, so the fact that you drink at work doesn’t surprise me. More importantly, what technique do you use for the cucumber sandwich? We all love a slice of cucumber on our sandwich, but let’s face it, it really limits your sandwich’s lifetime. Before you know it, you end up with a soggy sandwich – then again, I guess you’ll eat anything when you’re plastered at work. I do find that putting those little cucumber guys between 2 slices of ham works best, but sometimes they’re persistent and still worm their way out. So what we’re going for is ( Bread Ham Cucumber Ham Bread ) Don’t even get me started on tomato – he’s like cucumber’s troublesome older brother! Maybe somebody has had some success with lettuce techniques…

  2. Dieter said

    I easily solved the problem of cucumber and tomatoes by taking the lazy approach and just having peanut butter. That stuff will last for longer than me, and you don’t have to worry about it falling off the sandwich.

    Half a bottle before you realized that there was vodka in it…Tut-tut! Next time drink faster…It’ll make work a lot faster and more bearable.

  3. Riaan said

    First of all I have to say that coke zero tastes nothing like coke, even if its spiked with vodka, and secondly that I’m a bit ashamed that 3 guys in the prime of their drinking years couldn’t finish what they started and left vodka coke undrunk…

    I blame the foul aftertaste of coke zero

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