The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Chronicles of Thrash, Metallica and Life as we know it

Posted by lanktank on November 14, 2008

Thrash – He’s a colleague of mine at work. When I arrive in the mornings he’s always the first person in the office. It then becomes just the two of us until about an hour later, when everyone else starts to arrive.

Thrash likes to listen to Thrash Metal. Thrash Metal you ask? Yes, Thrash Metal I tell you. I didn’t know what it was either but it’s everything you think it is (judging it by its genre name) and more. Let me inform you as to how I came know to this.

Once upon a time, I walked into the office and blaring from Thrash’s computer was the sound of what can only described as an animal being painfully executed. Being the “trying to make polite conversation” kind of person I am, I made the mistake of asking, “Hey man, what you listening to?”

This is what followed:

Thrash: Metallica.

LT (Me): Oh, rad, I dig Metallica. I got their Black album.

Thrash: Their Black album is KAK!


LT: Sorry… I also have their Load album.

Thrash: Their Load album? Get the fuck away from and never speak to me again.

So, we were never speaking again and if only that had been the case but an hour later, I receive this email from him:

Dear LT,

Metallica initially was from the Thrash Metal genre, they were one of the four founding bands of this particular genre. The three other bands are Slayer, Anthrax and Megadeth. Although honourable mention must go to Testament as well.

For you to understand the major difference between old Metallica vs. new Metallica, we must start from the beginning…

The first “classic” line-up, and for me, the best:

Vocals and rhythm guitar: James Hetfield
Lead guitar: Kirk Hammet
Bass : Cliff Burton – RIP – September 27, 1986
Lars Ulrich : drums

Also a mention for Dave Mustaine who formed Megadeth after being kicked out of Metallica.

First off, Thrash Metal implies to me almost a dirty, fast type of music, which they are NOT. They played very fast and precise beats, but still not as fast as Slayer.

Classic Albums:
First: Kill’em All (was to be called ‘Metal up your ass’, but record company refused) A-Holes!
Second: Ride the Lightning – My personal favourite
Third: Master of Puppets – most critically acclaimed – but I still like “Lightning more”

Cliff dies in bus accident in Sweden.

Jason Newsted replaces Cliff
The second classic line-up, but not so classic for me. He was just privileged enough to play with good musicians.
He didn’t bring anything special to the party, except maybe a bit of backup vocals and singing
every so often on live performances.

Semi – classic album (Metallica start going commercial…the end is near):
Name: And Justice for All
Metallica release their first music video – “One”, think they won a Grammy.
Metallica gives their music free of charge for the documentary “Paradise Lost”, in support of
the “West Memphis Three” – worth a read by itself.

(Think James Hetfield included parts of the judge’s speech from the trailer as lyrics) – You must Google this.

‘Breakthrough’ album
Name: Metallica – commonly known as ‘the Black album’
Bob Rock starts producing or Metallica.
Metallica stops being a metal band and starts being a rock band in my eyes
Album was really well produced for its time though.

OK, that’s enough for now, tomorrow we’ll go through this again and I’ll ask questions to make sure you studied this.

More information coming tomorrow


What has just happened here? I’m getting tested? Why am I getting tested? I don’t even like Thrash Metal! In my opinion Metallica only got good when the Black album came out. I mean, I didn’t even know who they were before then, did anyone? Omigod, tested, and he wants me Googling stuff? And what happens if I fail? Will he assassinate me? Oh Grow up LT! You’re a grown human being (debateable) and if you don’t want to know about the life and death of Metallica, you don’t have to participate! Just tell him to F off!

Next Day:

I took the test… got 6 out of 10.

I live to see another day.

One Response to “The Chronicles of Thrash, Metallica and Life as we know it”

  1. evert said

    “Thrash” is ‘n fkn genuis pappa!!!!!

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