The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Driveway Incident

Posted by lanktank on November 17, 2008

Fakeme and I live in an apartment above a block of shops. I say “apartment” because it’s not really a flat and it’s not really a house so I went with “apartment” but it does sound very Americanish feel to it which wasn’t the intention but let’s roll with it.

Because we live above a block of various shops (the bottle store is a bonus), the road gets very busy and occasionally (by “occasionally” I mean often) we find cars parked in front of our driveway. Again, I say “we” but for some reason this NEVER happens to Fakeme. Many times, I have tried to get in or out of our driveway but am blocked by some big ass Bakkie, Land Rover, Jeep (it’s always the big cars) and Fakeme thinks this is hilarious!

I, on the other hand, begin perspiring blood and random thoughts of murdering people with an ice pick flow through my brain. Don’t get me wrong, we all make mistakes and I’m sure have all parked somewhere we shouldn’t have (although handicap parking places really is a no go). But it’s the blatant disregard for the trouble they’ve caused me. I have never received an apology, I’ve never been shown remorse and I find this is inexcusable. I mean, it’s just good manners.

About a month ago I was having one of “those” days. Those days where everything goes wrong and everyone’s against you. On top of that I had to work late, and then queue at the supermarket for over half an hour for a chicken before making my way home. It was dark and cold and I was very, very tired. I turned down my street and OH DEAR, what did I see sitting in my driveway? A Nissan Navara Double Cap Bakkie…

Okay, LT, breath, breath, you can get through this.

At this exact point (during my breathing exercises) the car guard (who KNOWS me, I might add), tries to direct me into a parking space. I manage to compose myself in front of him, shake my head and with gritted teeth, tell him I’m waiting right behind the Nissen Navara.

I’m phoning Fakeme (who is still at work)…

Fakeme: Hey, what’s up biyat-

LT: Some facking A-hole has parked in front of our driveway!! Who the bleep*, bleep*, smelly cheese, bleep*, bleep*, fugly piece of bleeeeeep* do they think they are?

Fakeme: HAHA this ALWAYS happens to you?

LT: Yes…it…does… Omigod! They’ve left their two dogs in the car, with no windows open! A-hole-O-Meter has just gone through the roof!

Fakeme: Maybe he went to the Vet?

LT: No, I’m outside the vet, no one’s in the vet.

Fakeme: Well, just park your car there and bring it in later once he’s left.

LT: Fakeme that’s not the point! It’s the principle! I’m tired of letting… Omigod, he’s coming, I call you back.

Fakeme: No keep me on the lin—–

He’s approaching his car, mid thirties it looks like, wearing a fleece jacket, jeans and boots… with a heel. He sees me waiting and picks up his casual stroll to a light jog before unlocking his car. Where is the apology? How come I haven’t heard the words, “I’m so sorry, I’m such an idiot, such an idiot!” come out of his mouth yet? He’s about to get into his car.

I begin rolling down my window…

LT: Hey man! What’s the deal with parking in my driveway?

Nissen Navara A-Hole (NNA) slowly turns around.

LT: You’re not allowed to park here.

NNA stares at me blankly

LT: Do you understand what I am saying? It’s illegal to park in front of someone else’s driveway?

Finally he speaks

NNA: I thought this was a business complex.

LT: Well, it’s not, it’s my home.

NNA: Well, I didn’t know that.

LT: But even if it was a business complex, you STILL can’t park here.

NNA: Well, all I can do is apologise.


NNA: Alright! Calm down, I’m sorry!

LT: Fine!

Finally, an apology! I mean, it was forced and there was no sincerity in it whatsoever but I was willing to accept it… until…

NNA: (Begins to walk back to his car) Anyway, it wasn’t REALLY my fault, the car guard told me to park here.

LT going from calm to psychotic in 0-2 seconds flat:

LT: OH!! What with all the special training the card guard goes through to receive his diploma in car guarding!!! Out of the two people in this situation, I would think the man driving the car would know the rules of the road just a tad better than the man standing around them! Will you stop passing the buck and take responsibility for your actions? Will you? Will you do that? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Nissan Navara A-hole, dived into his car and sped away leaving nothing but smoke fumes in the distance.

My phone rings and I answer it

Fakeme: What happened? How’d it go?

LT: Surprisingly well.

*The following words have been censored to protect the minds of readers.

2 Responses to “The Driveway Incident”

  1. Nic said

    haha classic!

  2. Darren said

    you are such a drama queen.
    im going to rent a flat bed truck, pick up a crap car from the junkyard and leave it in your drive way at midnight one day just to piss you off.
    but i will be sure to set up video cameras to catch your reactions

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