The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

R.I.P. Pigeon

Posted by lanktank on November 18, 2008

Breaking news, this just happened:

I’m sitting at work, drifting in and out of my two favourite daydreams:

1. Fighting crime and protecting the people of Gotham City alongside (Christian Bale version) Batman…and then we make out, obviously.


2. I can talk to whales and boy, do we have a time!

At this point I turn to stare out the window and right before the part when The Dark Knight turns to me and says, “LT, I couldn’t have done it without you. You know, ever since Rachel died, I didn’t think I could feel this way about another, but with you it’s different. I can really just be me, Batty, and for that, I love yo-”


A pigeon crashes onto the roof of the building directly below ours. It begins convulsing, choking and spinning round and round like a… spin…ning…top? (Jesus, I’ve got to come up with better metaphors). This goes on for about 40 seconds and then it just collapses. Its poor little beak, opening and closing, gasping for air and then… nothing… deadums.

It really was quite traumatising, I mean, why did this happen to me? What is fate trying to tell me? This all has to do with me…everything must revolve around me…

Of course it could have been worse; I could have been the pigeon.

OK, now the two confessions I have to make…

1. I truly do feel bad for the pigeon. They get a bad rap, what with all the pooing on the cars, heads, and shoulders are always a classic because then it stains your clothes too. But no sweet and innocent feathered friend, even the loser ones, deserve to exit this mortal world by choking to death, on probably a fly during mid flight. (If you say, what about the poor fly? My answer: fuck the fly)

2. The pressing matter now is: how are we going to get rid of the bird? There’s no real access to the roof directly below ours, and I can’t get to it from my side so what is to happen? Does it just lay there…forever? Because that’s a no go for me – If the blind is open, I see it, simple as that. And I’m not wild about staring at a dead pigeon 9 hours a day…forever. So what are the possibilities here? Do other pigeons eat dead pigeons? Maybe an eagle? Although I don’t see many of those flying around Main Road. How long does it take for your standard sized pigeon to disintegrate? In fact, this guy looks a little below average, wait – let me just check – Yip, below average.

Oh well, work is up and I can be released. This will have to be tomorrow’s problem.

All ideas are welcome… except for Thrash, who suggested de-boning it, boiling it and then eating it.

2 Responses to “R.I.P. Pigeon”

  1. ponderbox said

    Can you reach it with a bucket of water?…

  2. Hmm, I probably could but it’s a little far. Like I think I could get water onto it but I couldn’t wash it away… maybe, perhaps I should try…

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