The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Miranda Fiasco

Posted by lanktank on December 12, 2008

My brother is coming home briefly for Christmas. He’s taking time out of his impressively busy schedule to make an appearance back home. I haven’t seen him in a number of years and I don’t think we’ve spent a Christmas together for about seven, so it’s nice that he’ll be here and I’m looking forward to it. However, I’ll tell you what I’m not looking forward to; I’m not looking forward to me going invisible for the next two weeks.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned my brother (we’ll call him First Child) before now but let’s just say, “Over achieving, takes all the glory, traveled all over the world and parents’ favourite child” is an understatement for what he really is. I swear to God, people literally forget my name when he’s around. I become known as “First Child’s Sister” and this is how people refer to me for the rest of the evening, that’s if I even get acknowledged at all.

To be fair to him and my parents, I’ve done very little in my life worth mentioning to anybody, but that’s not the point. Is it?

OK, I hear you, you think I’m over-reacting. You’re thinking, calm down LT, you’re totally exaggerating things. Am I? Am I really? No no, but reeeeeally? Let me now re-enact a little saga, I like to call; The Miranda Fiasco….

It was just your typical Sunday afternoon, the sun was out, the day was warm but Autumn was amidst in the air. I was still living at home… going through one of my “not having a job” phases. My parents were on their way to an extended family braai, it may have been someone’s birthday, I forget, but they insisted that I tag along. That’s one of the disadvantages of being jobless, you’re sort of forced to do anything your parents ask of you.

So I went along, if for nothing else I knew there would be a good spread. There’s always a lot of food at these things and I intended on becoming one with it. As we arrived, I headed for the kitchen. While I was dipping into the potato salad, I was interrupted by a British lady whom I had never met before… Miranda…

Miranda: Hello there! I’m Miranda

LT: (munch, munch) Hi, I’m LT

Miranda: Nice to meet you. So, LT, how do you fit into this big old family of yours?

(of course…no idea)

LT: Well, I’m M.O. and Dee’s daughter.

Miranda: Oh M.O. and Dee! M.O. and Dee!! I spent the long weekend with them when we all went away over New


LT: (chomp, chomp) Rad

Miranda: Yes, yes… I knew they had a son…wasn’t aware there was a daughter.

Huh? A whole long weekend with this person and the parentals couldn’t muster up one sentence which would maybe bring up the fact they have a second child? In fact, I remember where I was that New Years…I was in Malawi. Malawi! Is that not “newsworthy” enough? I suppose I wasn’t really surprised, until what followed directly after…

Miranda: How’s their dog Robbie?

WHAT? The dog gets mentioned? The dog gets an acknowledgment of existence before me? The DOG??? So what does this mean? At best, I’m ranked 3rd in the list of favouritism and who knows? At this point, I’m not willing to leave out any other possibilities. The neighbour’s cat could be on that list (my dad mentions it a lot), or even the squirrel that runs along the telephone line every morning. They chuckle at that little thing every time it almost misses a step and escapes death for the 80th time. And does this end at living things? I’m assuming it does or am I competing with ornaments and DVD players now because if that’s the case I may not appear on this list at all.

After half choking on a lamb chop and making a mental note to drown the dog as soon as I got home, I went in search of Mother…

LT: Oh mother dearest!

Mother: Why is there chop all over your face?

LT: How come Miranda doesn’t even know I exist?

Mother: Oh you’ve met Miranda. Isn’t she lovely?

LT: Didn’t notice. Now wh-

At this moment my Uncle walks past:

Uncle: So LT, still unemployed?

Like a knife in my back, I’m telling you, with tears in my little eyes.

LT: Uh huh!

Uncle: How’s your brother?

Mother, interrupting: In Brazil at the moment……

At this point, since there was nothing left for me in the lounge, I walked back into the Kitchen, grabbed a chicken wing and a bottle of wine and preceded to drink the entire thing at the bottom of the garden with the pixies and fairies.

In retrospect, it was probably the best family braai I’d ever been to.

7 Responses to “The Miranda Fiasco”

  1. evert said

    Get your neighbour to get rid of the dog, that way your hands are clean.
    She has already done a job on the cat.
    Eliminate the competition. Then you can be the best….of whats left.

  2. georgie said

    nice try

  3. Luway said

    Haha… you’ve got me laughing aloud ol’ LT…

    PS: Give me a shout once your bro arrives in CT, be nice to catch up. You can come too if you like.

  4. first child said

    the quality of your blog really improved with this one.

  5. mo said

    enough whining already. know your place and accept it. MO

  6. Ingrid said

    Very entertaining reading Kate. I think you have missed your vocation… well, not missed it… it awaits you. Also you seem pretty well adjusted for someone who has had such a traumatic childhood… if you eva need a shoulda to cry on.. I am only a jump over the wall away…

  7. Girl Next Door said

    Um, I think you mean LT. weird.

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