The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Seafood Paella

Posted by lanktank on January 8, 2009

Mini Crisis at the LT and Fakeme apartment! The freezer froze over and we had to defrost it. By “we” I mean me. Someone had left the freezer door open (I say Fakeme, she says me) and the snowy powder ice had turned to full blown icicle ice, which was melting at a rapid rate. Basically all the food either needed to be cooked instantly or thrown away.

As I was in the defrosting process I separated all the food I knew was mine and all the food I presumed was Fakeme’s .Then I left for her a message to either throw her pile of food out or eat it. As Fakeme and I work at different times, a lot of our communication is made in the form of post-it notes or messages on the fridge.

When I got home later that night, from what I could see Fakeme had obviously received the message and sorted out all her food from the freezer, except for one item – The Seafood Paella packet. My assumption was she had obviously decided she would cook it when she got home.

The next day I woke up and in my daze, staggered towards the kitchen. As I walked in, I was blasted by the vilest, fishiest and most vomit worthy smell I have ever encountered. Let me assure you, at seven ‘o clock in the morning, this is not the way you want to start your, already predictably, shite day. Being half asleep and considering the possibility that I may actually be in an Ek&J factory, I ran to open the windows. As I grabbed a dish cloth to cover my nose and mouth, I looked up, and there it was…Seafood Paella packet…
“What is that thing still doing here?” were my first thoughts, followed by, “Balls, bollocks and balls again!” Then ending off with a few retching sounds, such as “Raaach, Mmmpphh, Kkkeeeke” (again at the smell).

Although the obvious thing would be to throw it away, it wasn’t mine to discard and I didn’t want to get rid of it when Fakeme may still have had some bizarre reason to keep it, or God forbid eat it.

I departed for the day, breathing in the semi-fresh air of the city! Glorious it was. As I returned, at 23h00, I walked in the door and “Jesus, Mary and Joseph…and Moses…throw in a Wise Man or three while we’re at it,” the facking Seafood Paella was still there! What is Fakeme doing? Use it or lose it chick, can’t she smell this too?

Suddenly Fakeme, the culprit walked in… She glared at me and I glared back. Before I could pounce into her, she intercepted,

Fakeme: “Why the BEEP haven’t you cooked that God damn Seafood Paella?”

LT: Why haven’t I? Why haven’t you?

Fakeme: Why would I cook your food?

LT: No, Seafood Paella is your food.

Fakeme: No no, it’s YOUR food.

LT: No no no, it’s YOURRR food.

Fakeme: NO, NO, NO, NO it’s YOURRRRR food.


(This continued back and forth, adding an extra “NO” and emphasising the word, “YOUR” for roughly 3 minutes, until)

LT: Why would I buy a Seafood Paella, when I’m allergic to shell fish?



Fakeme: I hate paella.

After a few more profanities back and forth at each other, Fakeme and I waded through the stench that was the kitchen, picked up Seafood Paella, who was the real culprit at the end of the day and threw it out… together.

The mystery of the Seafood Paella owner continues, but what are the real lessons here?

A)Communication is key. Let’s never assume things, assuming leads to disgusting fish smell which over takes the apartment.

B)Team Work is vital. Working together allows only one hand to get dirty as opposed to two.

Here ends my motivational piece of writing, and remember folks, there is no “I” in “team”.

3 Responses to “Seafood Paella”

  1. C-Dawg said

    but there is an “I” in pie. And there’s an “I” in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team… I don’t know what he’s talking about.

    — Shaun of the Dead —

  2. Darren said

    there is no i in team but u can spell ME

    i think D meister bought it secretly poison you one day since u allergc!

  3. girl next door said

    oh.. I didn’t know English was your second language

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