The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

It’s shallow, but it’s ok!

Posted by lanktank on February 1, 2009

The shallow reasons we have for breaking up with someone; some are excusable…

We’ve all done it, haven’t we? You know it’s not fair, you know they’re probably a great person deep down inside if only you gave them a chance; but there’s that one thing that urks at you, no matter how small or pathetic and you’re never going to let it go.

Don’t feel bad, it’s all in the game. (Omigod, I’m watching way too much Wire, but Omar does rule! However, I digress) And if you are ending this “epic” relationship of three weeks for any of the reasons I give below, you’re not so much shallow but realistic because ultimately the person’s probably a peel. So yes, it may still seem shallow now, but don’t worry ‘cos it’s ok…

Reason 1. You’re a few dates in and one day the two of you decide to go to the beach. He’s wearing a Speedo – Dump, dump, dump.

Reason 2. She orders the most expensive thing on the menu – Look if she’s paying, by all means, however, if that clearly isn’t the intention; at the end of the night, whip out your phone calculator and ask if she needs help adding up her half of the bill. I mean come on; who does she think she is? Gisele Bundchen? (Of course if it really is Gisele Bundchen, then maybe fork out the extra cash… could be a deal breaker)

Reason 3. He or she can’t dance – And I’m not talking about that sort of geeky, kind of endearing type of dancing that you can giggle about and afterwards still find the person adorable. I’m talking about the “it’s so bad, you’re embarrassed to be standing in a 50 metre radius with this person” bad. This species is so rubbish at dancing they should, without a doubt, know they’re that rubbish and then with this information point blank refuse to get onto the dance floor. Even if your potential score for the night is begging you to join them, say NO. Rather look like a selfish dick than an uncoordinated c@nt.

Reason 4. They answer their cell phone, on the first date, while in mid meal, during a story which you’ve been telling for the past five minutes and are just about to reach the punch line – it’s rude, it kills your momentum and that’s just not cricket.

Reason 5. The person you’re on the date with gets something in their teeth – This isn’t really their fault and it’s not that big of a deal but if you didn’t care or weren’t comfortable enough to tell them, then this “relationship” isn’t worth it. Also, by the end of the night, if your date still has parsley stuck in their teeth; this will be your last mental visual of them over the next few days before you see them again. It’s all you’ll think about, you’ll never get past it.

Reason 6. They chew with their mouth open – bad manners, gross, kick ‘em to the curb!

Reason 7. Bad dress sense – Each to his own on this one but if you don’t like her floral prints or his two toned shirts, you likely never will.

Reason 8. Snorting while laughing – This is a tough one but there are people out there who have persevered through this excruciating reverberation, and to those people, I concede.

Reason 9. Singing out loud to a song on the radio while driving to the venue on the first date – You really don’t know this person well enough to have to endure listening to them whaling along to some top 40 pop song which you’ll more than likely hate anyway. There’s nothing more awkward than this. They’re singing along to Bootilicious and what can you do but sit there and nod, like you’re impressed; it’s painful. Get through the date knowing in your mind that this will be the last.

Reason 10. Singing out loud to a song on the radio while driving to the venue on the first date, but they keep getting the lyrics wrong – TURN THE CAR AROUND IMMEDIATELY, GO BACK TO THEIR HOUSE AND PUSH THEM OUT THE DOOR.

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4 Responses to “It’s shallow, but it’s ok!”

  1. C-Dawg said

    I’ve broken up with chicks because it was getting too close to Valentine’s day or their birthday – I just can’t deal with all that gift pressure so early on in the relationship.

    This doesn’t make me a bad person… does it?

  2. Girl Next Door said

    That makes you an excellent person C-Dawg. I agree 100%.

    P.S. Is this why you never came to my birthday braai?

  3. C-Dawg said

    I think I didn’t come coz the snacks didn’t sound too exciting.
    In fact, I didn’t even know we were in a relationship back then… I thought we were just friends. Come to think of it, that might explain why you suddenly stopped calling. Well, this has to be a new personal best for me – I was in a relationship & didn’t even know it…

  4. Captain Awesome said

    Definately agree with C-Dawg.

    oh and dont forget Christmas.
    thats always awkward.
    getting the new girl to meet the whole family. then a week later meeting all of your mates on new years.
    definately get rid of her before the 23rd Dec just to be safe.

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