The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Points System

Posted by Carl Schutte on March 4, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by C-Dawg

OK, so after my post about the Base System, I kind of got to thinking about the Points System. Now I’m not sure if our female readers are aware of this, but guys often rate women on a scale of 1 to 10. Yes, it’s a bit superficial, but if you judge our superficial ways, then you are merely sinking (or possibly rising) to our level – in which case we would win, because you would be judging the judges. I’m pretty sure that my logic has massive holes in it…

So on paper the points system is simplicity in itself. You see a girl & you give her a score out of 10 – where 10 is the very definition of hotness.

Unfortunately the points system is severely flawed. For starters, nobody is ever getting a 10. Ten is that glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel; it’s what keeps men going. We’re actually just searching for that elusive 10. We know she’s not out there, but we keep looking anyway. If anybody ever actually got a 10, I’m pretty sure that life as we know it, would cease to exist. So I think we can safely remove 10 from our choice of available numbers.

So, we’re left with numbers 1 to 9. Well, I think we would all agree that 5 is our number in the middle, so we would expect this to be the value assigned to average Jane (average Joe’s sister). Nope, because nobody ever seems to score less than 5. So, we’re working with some skewed scale from 5 to 9, with average Jane sitting somewhere at around 7. I’d have to say that only men could find a way to screw up something this simple. Now I’ve looked around, and believe me, there are some pretty ugly people out there. Things I would not like to run into in the middle of the night, much less wake up next to. So, how is it these people don’t fall between 1 and 5?

Well, many theories exist. Some have said that men are inherently good-natured and we feel bad for assigning such low scores to people. Whilst this theory is supported in some circles, a far more likely explanation is that we simply do not notice these low scoring women. That’s right, the signal you are emitting is so weak, that you don’t even register on our radar. If you’ve ever wondered why a guy you know just walked past you and seemingly ignored you, then I’ve got some bad news for you – on his scale, you fell between 1 and 5. Yes, he didn’t even know you were there. Now the more observant among you, may have noticed that I called it “his” scale, rather than “our” scale.

These leads me to another flaw in the points system – subjectivity. Unfortunately your 7 and my 7 don’t necessarily mean the same thing. The problem is that although guys like the same thing – women – we often like different things about women. So, I might give a high score to nice legs, while you might give a high score to nice hair. Obviously there are a few universal categories which we like to stick to; if you start giving high scores because you like her handbag, then you’re dangerously close to getting transferred to the other team! So, under normal circumstances this subjectivity can be cleared up my simply explaining how you arrived at your score. This usually isn’t a problem, because guys love talking about women. So often a 9 might come down to a 8, or a 6 might get pushed up to a 7.

The problem comes when your buddy tells you he took home a 9, when you clearly saw him hanging out with a 5 all evening. How is it possible to have such a disconnect? Alcohol. When alcohol is involved we need to bring in a scaling factor. You see, as your buddy was getting more and more drunk, that 5 was tending ever closer to a 9. So, to sober people she’s a 5, but to beer-goggles Barry, she’s a 9. This is easily solved by introducing a drunkness scaling factor; simply halve any score Barry assigns. So, Barry’s 9 was really a 4.5, but we give her the benefit of the doubt and round her up to 5. There are similar scaling factors for people not wearing their glasses, taking medication which makes them drowsy, and any other situation which may impair judgement.

Of course there are also situations when you may not be able to make a good call due to factors beyond your control. For example, you & your friend see a girl running on the treadmill at gym; she’s almost finished her 20min interval session. Your buddy asks you what you’d give her. You take a quick look… she’s kind of sweaty, her hair’s tied back and a bit messy, no make-up, wearing a t-shirt that says “I support Red Nose day” and she runs funny- this girl’s not getting more than a 6. Wrong! Your buddy reminds you that you haven’t given her a fair chance – you’re rating her when she looks her worst. You’d probably be surprised at how well she cleans up.

Thus we’ve introduced multipliers for when conditions are not favourable. We use the standard gym multiplier of 1.25, so 6 * 1.25 = 7.5 which actually rounds up to 8. Wow, you almost let an 8 get away! Get over there and talk to her you idiot.

So, while the points system is not without its flaws, it is constantly evolving and being refined. The recent addition of the impaired judgement factors and the unfavourable conditions multipliers have breathed new life into this timeless system.

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9 Responses to “Points System”

  1. craig said

    I have a basic system.

    Minger or I’d-bang-her.

    Case solved?

  2. C-Dawg said

    As if it wasn’t bad enough that women out there now know about our Points System, now you gotta start talking about mingers and banging chicks.

    Are you trying to ruin our organisation?! You’re killing us Craig…

    Actually, I just want to know what systems chicks use, but they’ll never tell us.

  3. Luwie said

    Your system is far friendlier than mine… Every first Thursday after payday, my mates and I hit the Sandton Baron, grab the ‘toilet-table’ (all women have to go at some point, usually in large groups) where we have our customary steak and too many jager-bombs (called gay dinner as no women are allowed and depending on how much alcohol is confused, ribs and steaks are shared… But I digress)…

    Anyway, turns out the only number we refuse to allocate is a one. Turns out also that the acoustics from our table to the ladies is incredibly good. After someone got the first 2 in the history of gay-dinner (“a 2 only cos we can’t give a 1”), we were confronted and informed how obnoxious we are. Anyway, my mate was quick to point out to the rather butch “woman”(?) that it is a male perogative to rate woman.

    Anyway, I once again digress… The point is don’t be afraid to give 2-4s… Your first 2 will be highly rewarding… Better than spotting a 9 very possibly…

  4. C-Dawg said

    Haha, class!

    Dude, I don’t think my system is a flawed as your choice of hang-out. I’ve even been to biker bars & never seen stuff that bad…

    I’m picturing David Attenborough narrating: “And here, in its natural habit, we see the lesser spotted 2 enjoying a drink at the watering hole… truly, a rare sight.”

    It’s gonna be sad day when I stop being able to crack myself up!

  5. Skaaptjop said

    If the 2 was in fact enjoying a drink at the water closet (or watering hole or whatever you young folk call it these days) then she may just, and I mean only just, earn herself a 1.

    I’m picky that way.

  6. Luwie said

    Ah, but you guys have missed one important point. Significantly, and unfortunately for the little hippo, we hit the Baron in Sandton, the country capital for pretentious, fake-boobed, over-cosmeticised, under-dressed women.

    And thus the relativity factor features. Surrounded by minxes, the poor hippo stood out badly and thus the 2 was awarded. Anyway, the poor hippo may well have hit the heady heights of a 3 or maybe even a 3 and a half, but she did not surround herself in the correct habitat. So ladies, always pick your surroundings… For we are rating…

  7. Kappie said

    Wow, that system seems complicated. Jimbo and I just say to each other, “Which one do you want?…good, cause I’m not fussy.”

  8. Jimbo said

    we have even shortened it to “Ek sal” then your mate(s) with give a nod.

    I normally like to take the one thats had more roofies than the other.

    there are also 2 more unwritten rules in the points game.
    immediate deductions.
    – she has shorter hair than you, maybe 1.5 points
    – the ginger deduction (this depends how strongly u feel about this!) i would say no less than 2 points

  9. craig said

    Hey. Im half ginger!

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