The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Those Office People

Posted by lanktank on April 1, 2009

Bugging things about “work people…”

They’re in every company, in every industry and being the “job ho”* that I’ve been I’ve had enough experience to know the similarities in every office.

These are the people I want to throw my stapler at the most…

1) The girl who laughs so hard it sounds like she’s weeping – Seriously, every time she packs out in hysterics, my first reaction is that her grandmother has just died and I should go get some tissues before realising she’s actually amused by something. The problem in addition to this, is that she laughs at EVERYTHING. Even the crap jokes that no one else laughs at made by…

2) Wannabe Comedian – Some of the gems I’ve heard come out of these guy’s mouth (Yes, it’s always a male). The dilemma with this guy is that he’ll make about 14 thousand “jokes” a day and due to Law of Averages one of them is bound to crack us up. So he gets the laugh and for some reason this seems to grant him permission to continue making atrocious jokes. So it’s our fault really.

3) That guy who sits opposite me and kicks me underneath the table  – all the time. It’s not now and then; “Oops, sorry about that! I’m just playing ‘Footsy Footsy!” HAHAHA!” It’s more like; “I don’t give a fack that your legs are underneath your own desk, where they should be; I’m stretching mine regardless and if I have to bruise your shins to do so, I couldn’t give a shite.”

4) The People who are ssooooo nice to you when they want a favour but couldn’t be more rude to you when you’re inconveniencing them – We all have to do things we don’t want to wank job. In fact, I spend 96% of my day doing things I don’t want to. The only thing that comforts me is the cup of Milo I get to make myself at the end of the day before going to sleep and having to wake up again to carry on do things I don’t want to do.

5) The Suck up to the Manager Arse – It’s so awful to watch, isn’t it? I mean, I understand when the manager cracks a joke, we all have to give the obligatory chuckle but no, you do not have to agree with everything they say. And stop trying to Facebook friend them and inviting them to your braai’s. It doesn’t work, they can see right through you. Well, at least the rest of the office can, and yes, we laugh at you behind your back and we call you names.

6) The girl who doesn’t stop talking about her boyfriend – Although I’ve never met him, I already know that he loves to cook, although she hates his Lasagna and doesn’t know how to tell him because “it will just crush him!” They’re also thinking about getting a puppy – she wants a Labrador but he thinks that’s cruel considering they live in a 3rd floor flat. Him and his sister are fighting all the time lately and she thinks it’s because the sister is jealous of their relationship and BLA BLA BLA! None of us give a flying fanny’s wobble. And have you noticed they always talk about their boyfriend as if he’s God’s gift to women, then you see a photo and you’re speechless because he looks like your Aunt Matilda.

7) The Non-Reading Emails People – These are my favourite. They call or email you asking if you can give them information about something that you have already answered in an email you just sent to them about those EXACT questions. And if you’re going to be so snippy when you mail me, don’t you want to make sure you’ve read all your emails tossnut!

– Non email reader: “Do you know when we’ll be getting that contract? You said you’d let us know by the 16th and it’s    already the 19th! HELLO!”

– Me: “Please find attached my previous email sent to you on the 13th with regards to the contract mentioned”

-Non-email reader: “Oh, thanks. I don’t think I received this. My email was working that day.”

Ya sure. For once I’d like to receive an email back: “Ooohh, I’m sorry I’m such a blind c@nt who doesn’t know how to use the Search application in my Outlook Express. Please forgive me for wasting your time, as you had already sent me this email but I was too retarded to either a) remember that you had sent it b) open it in the first place or c) Because I don’t really give a shite about you or the fact that you may have other things to do. I’m an A-hole, I admit it.”

But this is the way the office works. These people exist and are needed to help keep the blood flow of the work place pumping. They’re apart of the process… whatever process that is…

**Someone who has an inability to stay in one job for a reasonably length-ed period of time. Also known as a job hopper or a an irresponsible bum.

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3 Responses to “Those Office People”

  1. Luwie said

    Bad day at the office LT?

    Love the post… my secretary is so (1) and (6)and I can categorise most of my other colleagues. They would probably see me as (2). Oh well, sorry for them…

  2. FirstChild said

    Here’s a little test to see if you are a type 2, Luwie. when did you start thinking about a “hilarious” April 1 prank? When you got to the office today? Yesterday, last week? april 1 last year?

  3. Luwie said

    Erm, for the record, my prank last year was gold. People were talking about it today.

    In response to your question… It probably crossed my mind for the first time 2 weeks ago. Guilty as charged.

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