The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

You know what they say about people with big feet?

Posted by lanktank on June 23, 2009

Really big shoes.

So I have big feet. It’s official. For years I’ve been playing the “I’m a size seven shoe” game as if a size seven was considered “average” or “typical” but the truth is, although a seven is considered large, it’s still “heard of” if you understand what I’m saying.

Sure, you get the occasional jester, who’ll say things like: “Your feet are so big, you don’t need water skis” or “Your feet are so big, a cop pulled you off the pavement and asked you for your licence and registration.” And of course, there’s the uninspired “Hey Bigfoot!” I like to call these people, wank knuckles. But all this is tolerated because despite this, it’s still considered acceptable to be a size seven.

However, there is not more denying it. No longer can I continue with this facade. I am not a size seven; in fact, I haven’t been for quite some time. I am…in actual fact…a…size…8. (Shudder!)

This realisation was recognised a few weeks ago when I decided to go to the mall on a Saturday morning to do a little shoe shopping. I had a birthday party in the afternoon but the two pairs I wanted (white pumps and black stilettos) I felt would be relatively easy to find. I would hit one or two shoe boutiques and be on the road again leaving plenty of time to get home and prepare myself for the party. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Instead fate had a different plan for me entirely.

I went into the first shop, sussed out a couple of white pumps options and chose three pairs. I asked the attendant if I could try them on. “Certainly, your size Miss?” she asked. I told her a seven and she whisked away immediately coming back with all three shoe options. I tried the first pair on – they didn’t fit; the second – no such luck and the third – you’ve got to be kidding me.

I looked up at her, shamefully and paused slightly for dramatic affect before asking, “Do you by any chance have these in an eight?” I was fired back with a look, of what seemed resentment followed by the common response of, “Oooh, an eight. I’m not sure if we have up to an eight in those. You will have to wait while I go check right at the back.” Great, now I get to feel guilty for inconveniencing her because I don’t have smaller feet.

After six long minutes, she appeared again from the back but this time holding only one box, with an abundant layer of dust coated over it. “I’m sorry,” she said rather unsympathetically, “We only have an eight in this.” She handed me the box and I opened it to find, not a white pair of pumps or pumps for that matter at all. When I pointed out that what was actually in the box was a pair of court shoes, she looked at me and shrugged.

Politely, I declined the offer to purchase the brown pair of shoes I never wanted in the first place and I decided to move on. Although I was a little unnerved by the events that had just transpired I was still extremely positive I would find what I was looking for…

Let’s fast forward two hours and eleven shops later to find a shattered and wounded soul, scurrying around like a headless chicken – That would be me. I looked everywhere and I do mean everywhere: Small boutiques, commercial department stores, sports shops; you name it, I went in it. I even went outside the mall to a gigantic factory outlet whose only function is to sell mass products of shoes and still I could not find one size seven to fit me. And as I stood in the middle of the factory madness, hands clasped to my hair, people pushing past me and shoes scattered all around me, the revelation came to me: I am a size eight shoe. Without a doubt and forever, I am a size eight shoe.

And there you have it. I’m a big foot. OK, bigger than a big foot, a monstrous foot, there I said it. But whatever! You learn to live with these things; Like Herpes or an embarrassing uncle, you grow accustomed and just accept them. It’s far easier.

And really, I can’t say I’m all that surprised anyway. Remember (a few blog entries back) that I already have the defunked arm length (you all did a double take on that word hey?) so why wouldn’t I have an abnormal foot length as well?

Exactly.

Exactly.

This is my life.

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2 Responses to “You know what they say about people with big feet?”

  1. Jimbo said

    I dont know what you talkig about LT. a size 8 is a perfectly normal size, actually it could be below the average of 9/10.
    *thinks for a second*
    Oh wait, you’re a chick.
    WOW, you really do have massive feet then.

    although, i dont know whats worse, abnormally large feet or freakishly small feet.
    i met a chick with a size 11 foot.
    thats a kids size 11, and yes she was over the legal age!
    now thats wierd.

  2. Luwie said

    Nah Jimbo, larger is def worse.

    LT, seriously, a size 8?!?!? Freak!

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