The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Harry Potter – I Don’t Get It

Posted by Carl Schutte on July 14, 2009

Let me just start by saying that I’m not a fan of the Harry Potter franchise.

I have no intention of reading the books, as I feel that there is a strong likelihood of them being as boring as the movies.

I had not seen a single Harry Potter movie until 2007. My friends kept going on about how great they were and how I absolutely had to watch them.

I’d held out long enough, hoping for the hype to die down. Could it be that this Harry Potter nonsense actually has some substance?!

So I watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. It was rubbish. Let the magic begin. More like let the wasted hours of my life begin. A movie about a bunch of toddlers doing stupid levitation spells. Yawn.

OK, it’s supposed to get better. So, I press on to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Now they proceed to add a stupid character called Dobby, who is only mildly less annoying than Jar Jar Binks. I can’t even remember what this one was about; I’m guessing some secretive chamber. I’m sorry but including a flying car is not enough to get you nominated for an award – not as far as I’m concerned.

Now I’m promised that the movies become darker; that this childish fantasy will come to an end. Time to watch Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This movie did give me some hope. There did appear to be a step towards a darker more adult theme. Let’s just take a moment to mention the tag line: “Something wicked this way comes.” Did they bring in master Yoda to write that for them? (Yes, I made another Star Wars reference!) I remember them including some more interesting creatures like griffins and werewolves. Let’s put this one down as the best one to date. Still, it’s not a classic by a long-shot. Also, I’m not even sure who the prisoner was…

Which brings me to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Here I screwed up. I actually watched this movie in 2007, but forgot that I had. Yes, it made that little impact on me. So, I ended up watching it again on Friday night. About halfway through the movie, it started feeling quite familiar, sort of as if I’d seen the trailer before. When I got to then end of the movie I was left with the same listless feeling of wasted hours. It was at that point that I realised that I seen this in one of my previous lives. Well, since I’ve seen this one twice, I should probably have more to say about it.

It started off with a dark theme with the Death Eaters, but then it just got progressively more rubbish. Our three toddlers have finally hit puberty and so begins the love triangle. Harry’s in the friend zone with Hermione, so he sets his sights upon some Asian chick. Harry should cast a confidence spell on himself and just get drunk like the rest of us, since he can’t even manage to speak to girls. Then we have Ron & Hermione who hate each other but secretly love each other. The way this is set up is quite nauseating. Throw in some burly Russian fling for Hermione and some French tart for Ron.  The inclusion of dragons held some promise, but this came to an abrupt halt by the gayness of Harry riding on his broomstick. Yes, I said it – Quidditch is gay. Then there was the wand *cough* light-sabre *cough* duel between Harry and Voldemort.

So, I’ve only got one left to review. (Un)fortunately I haven’t seen Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yet. I’m going to watch it tonight and let you know what I think. You see I have to watch it because I’m apparently being dragged off to watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince next week. The tagline says something about dark secrets being revealed. I’m thinking Ron & Harry start a secret love affair. Hermione probably hooks up with one of her teachers in an attempt to get better grades. Could this be the one where they kill off Dumbledore? Please, even Gandalf & Obi-Wan Kenobi got their tickets punched. See, I threw in some Lord of the Rings to show you how balanced I can be.

OK, time to pour myself a strong one and put on Order of the Phoenix…

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7 Responses to “Harry Potter – I Don’t Get It”

  1. LT said

    You are sooo a closet potter fan. It’s so obvious to everyone else but you.

    I like Harry Potter and Ron…even Hermione from time to time.

  2. Luwie said

    Hermione is soooo hot. I must say, I love the books but have only watched one movie and fell asleep during it.

    Now for something even more mind-blowing… I’ve never watched Lord of the Rings… please don’t judge me.

  3. C-Dawg said

    Yes, she does possess the intellectual qualities I look for in women and is quite striking.
    I’m thinking the schoolgirl uniform is giving her bonus points though.

    I like her serious face; she pulls it off rather well:

    But watch this space; I watched Order of the Phoenix last night – review/rant to follow.

    Now, as for this Lord of the Rings nonsense.
    I’m not some hell-bent fantasy geek, but tell me you’ve at least read the books.
    OK, I gotta be honest; I stopped reading halfway through number 2.
    But the movies are what classic, adult fantasy is all about!
    Harry Potter and Narnia are for children. Prepubescent girls wearing Roxy surf clothing and boots with little pom-pom balls!
    Have you lost it man?!

    You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

    And to think, I almost thought I had a brother…

  4. LT said

    Do not compare Potter with Narnia – I’ve tried to watch Narnia three times and fell asleep everytime. Excruciating.

    Luwie… seriously, you haven’t seen Lord of the Rings? Judged.
    C-Dawg, isn’t it, ” you have been left wanting?” I’m pretty sure that was the quote in a Knights Tale….

  5. C-Dawg said

    I also thought so, but not according to IMDB:
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0183790/quotes

    My apologies, I “forgot” the quotation marks – the one time they actually would have been appropriate.

  6. Luwie said

    The books are over 250 pages and don’t have any pics… In fact I must confess, I only read the first few Harry Potters but once they began to be over 300 pages, I stopped.

    As for the movies… they’re like 3 hours long… I’ve tried, I really have but always give up after 1 hour of the first movie. I don’t have an attention span for it (plus it’s fantasy of which I’ve never been a fan)…. it’s why I stick to rugby and cricket… you only need to concentrate for 30 second periods at most before you can take a break…

    But back to Hermione… I’d def tap that!

  7. rich said

    Harry Potter is getting a bit old isnt he about 23… for his new movies I think they should be a little bit more current:

    Harry Potter and the breaking voice
    Harry Potter and the dropping bollocks
    Harry Potter and the hairy nut sack
    Harry Potter and the mid life crisis
    Harry Potter and the colostomy bag

    etc etc

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