The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Order of the Phoenix

Posted by Carl Schutte on July 21, 2009

OK, while it’s fresh in my mind…

Let me say that I have no intentions of becoming a Pothead, but I actually quite enjoyed this movie. Sure, it had more than a few lame parts, but finally we got to see some real magic.

It starts off with some Dementors – always good to start with some soul sappers. This movie might hold some promise…

Then we had Harry’s brief trial, which felt like a bit of a non-event for me. Great, so Harry gets to go back to school and not become a drop-out, destined for a career as a prop comic at children’s parties. Where was I?

Ah yes, our trendy trio arrives at Hogwarts. Harry’s taken a hallucinogenic of sorts and is seeing demonic horses pulling carriages. Thankfully our dear Luna assures him that he’s quite sane. Now, let me just take a moment to say what a delightful character Luna Lovegood is. Finally JK Rowling gets it right. She’s quirky, yet kind and absolutely enchanting. I really love this character; she made the movie for me. Also, I was very disappointed in Hermione, who seems very quick to call other people names. Just because Luna is driven by intuition and feeling (something which Hermione can’t learn from a book) is no reason to call her Looney!

Then we’re introduced to a very annoying female teacher – I could easily have done without seeing this old tart for most of the movie. Then there’s the whole Hogwarts takeover while Harry secretly teaches magic. The only thing I don’t understand, is when did he learn all these spells that his friends can’t do?! Hermione’s always reading – what the hell is she reading about all the time? What exactly is her forte? I’m not entirely sure what Ron does either really. He’s like that really good friend who’s actually a dumb-ass, but he’ll always do you a solid.

Oh, I almost forgot! How lame was Harry’s kiss with Cho; “Mistletoe, did you just make that grow? Harry, you dog…” Oh, here’s a pointer for you Harry. When you kiss a girl, don’t stand half a metre away from her and lean in with your arms behind your back. You look like a chicken pecking at some seeds. For god’s sakes man, get up close to your woman, maybe plant one hand on her ass and stroke the other through her hair. I don’t care if they’re only 16 – it’s the principle!

Then there’s pretty much a magic battle that ensues. Finally we see some sparks fly, people teleporting, people dying, things breaking, stuff blowing up – in a word, some action. Ultimately ending in a big stalemate between Dumbledore & Voldemort – at least we get to see some fire & water magic.

Then it’s off to the big happy ending where Harry ends off by reminding Hermione & (especially) Ron that they have love – something Mr V will never have. Yeah, that left a taste in the back of my throat too.

Well, I don’t know if this means I could be slightly optimistic with The Half-Blood Prince. Perhaps I’ll go and watch it, with the underlying motive of picking up chicks…

See your daughters at the movies.



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