The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

The Time Traveler’s Wife Pre-review

Posted by Carl Schutte on September 4, 2009

OK, so apparently I give away too much in my movie reviews. So, I’m going to try something completely different – I’m going to review a movie which I have never seen. Not only have I not seen it, but I have no inclination or intention to watch it. There is probably only one likely scenario where I see myself watching this movie and that is if I awoke one morning and had spontaneously sprouted female reproductive organs. Yes, that is the only way I’m going to watch this movie.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good romantic comedy. Also, it’s not a coincidence that Hugh Grant happens to be in some of the best romantic comedies. I wasn’t a fan of the Bridget Jones franchise though. Admittedly I watched those whilst in somewhat dead-end relationships, which may have something to do with it. The point is I’m not averse to a romantic comedy, but I find the romantic drama to be somewhat contrived. Now I don’t expect all movies to be firmly grounded in reality, but occasionally a movie will come along with a plot so painfully thin that it deserves to go straight to DVD.

A good friend of mine went to watch District 9 and told me about this trailer he’d seen. The whole thing sounded so formula – with only one intention – to give women around the opportunity to have a good cry. Allow me to present you with the plot of this movie:

“A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel and the complications it creates for his marriage.”

All through the ages people have been trying to build time machines, when the secret to time travel was right under our noses – a simple gene. Now if only they could isolate the gene that makes time travel voluntary… can you say sequel? I can see the tag-line now:

“Our favourite Chicago librarian is back and this time he can choose if he wants to stay the night… but he still doesn’t.”

Now don’t let the wording in the plot fool you. They make it sound like his time travelling gene is the problem. I think the real problem is that we’re dealing with a male librarian. I mean what kind of career choice is this for a man?! Were supposed to be hunters… gatherers… providers – this guy is just a lazy bum. We don’t all need to be doctors and lawyers – sure, we should do what makes us happy, but it still has to pay the bills. Don’t even think about giving me that nonsense about: “it didn’t matter, because all they needed was their love for each other” Yeah, that’s great, but when you need to convert your kitchen into a meth-lab, I’m guessing it’s going to put a bit of strain on the marriage. So not only is this guy basically broke, but he also spontaneously disappears.

Oh that’s just great! We all know how upset women get when we leave – even when they know we’re leaving – they still get upset. Now we’ve got a guy who’s only ever around for random amounts of time, but he wants to settle down. The one man on Earth who is given the thumbs up to lead a life of meaningless, physical relationships & he says no thank you. Furthermore, how stupid is this girl – falling for the old time traveller routine?! Guys use this one all the time to get out of meaningful relationships; it has to be right up there with telling a woman that you’re a really a secret agent. So he’s an idiot for wanting to settle down and she’s an idiot for settling down with somebody who’s only ever around for random periods of time – actually, they’re perfect for each other.

Awesome, what could be better than a 2 hour movie about two selfish people, in love, who decide to flip Mother Nature the bird? Women all around the world eat this nonsense up & have a good cry – because true love transcends even time itself.

I’ve only watched the trailer and it was painful enough. I’m going to piece together the movie as I see it unfolding from the trailer.

It starts with our time traveller hanging out with the love of his life when she’s only 6 years old. OK, dodgy old librarian guy hanging out with a little girl – yeah, that’s a great start.

Little girl grows up and marries the librarian of her dreams – only because he’s been poisoning her mind since the tender age of 6!

Then *poof* – prince charming disappears after the wedding night. She manages to forgive him and proceeds to let this two-timing dead-beat knock her up. She’s thinking that maybe a child together will get him to stay home more often – except he doesn’t. They grow distant and start fighting, but then eventually realise that given the shared lack of making good decisions, they’re really quite suited for one another.

“It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
— Clare

They somehow come to a working agreement and we all have a good cry as “Broken” by Lifehouse starts for the crescendo ending. I guess their agreement is like the twist ending of the movie. Maybe they brought in M. Night Shyamalan to weave some of his magic.

So ladies, if you want a good cry rather go rent All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Oh, and don’t even think about dragging your man to go watch The Time Traveller’s Wife. A recent study in Toronto showed that after prolonged exposure to this movie, some men started showing early signs of ovary development. Think about the implications of that next time you drag him with to a romantic drama…

3 Responses to “The Time Traveler’s Wife Pre-review”

  1. Captain Awesome said

    Another idea for a possible sequal.
    The gene is hereditary, his son finds himself in the same situation. he is a male nurse….

    Is a librarian worse than a male nurse?
    What about being a male PA or secretary?

    After i saw the trailer i got up and didnt even feel like watching the movie anymore! I got in my car, went to the forest and shot a deer to to correct the hormonal imbalance.

  2. C-Dawg said

    Male flight attendant – I think being gay is one of the requirements.

    In fact, why not just become a magician.
    Sure you show wouldn’t be very consistent, but on the days you get it right, you’d kill!

  3. Sargemon said

    That’s ‘formulaic’ C-Dawg 😉

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