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Archive for the ‘That’s “gold”’ Category

That’s Gold! Apples and Allergies

Posted by lanktank on July 8, 2009

It’s that time again for the worse material… ever

So what’s the deal with apples? I thought one a day was meant to keep the doctor away? But I eat apples every day and had to go see my GP last week because of my allergies. What’s that about? I think the saying should be adapted to, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away as long as you’re not allergic to pollen, dust mites and ginger cats. Also if you have one of those terminal illnesses like Aids.” Hey? I’d like to see an apple cure skin cancer – Doubtful. That’s the reality.

And speaking of apples, how lame is the name “Granny Smith Apple?” I wonder why they named it that. Maybe Graeme Smith’s great great great granny invented it. Huh?

Speaking of allergies (from earlier before), how bad is this weather we’re having? Any colder and I’m going to turn into a snowman…sorry snow-woman. And when my nose turns into an icicle and breaks off you can just replace it with a carrot. Wouldn’t that be a site? A blonde snow-woman with a carrot for a nose; it’s gonna be hard for me to get a date…unless I’m into rabbits! (Because rabbits like carrots)

There’s more where this came from…

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That’s “gold” – New Zealand

Posted by lanktank on March 3, 2009

So… New Zealand, you know the country? How old does it have to be, before it’s just Zealand? I mean, come on! I’m almost sure Canada has been around for less and I don’t see a “New” in front of its name. You don’t see me talking about my “New” Nokia 5210. That’s because after 2 months it’s not considered innovative anymore but oh no, New Zealand is so special; “Ooohh look at me! I’m over 100 years old but I still want to be considered the latest country to be discovered.” How self-righteous is this?

And speaking of Canada, what is up with all the French speaking people in it? Uh, hello, France is in Europe which is on the other side of the world, get with the program. Come on, am I right or am I right?

Blog: Think you can do worse material? Post your suggestions in the comments

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That’s “gold”

Posted by Laurence on February 25, 2009

We here at The Lank Tank are starting a new feature – trying to come up with the worst imaginable standup material. For example, who could ever forget the Seinfeld episode where Jerry starts his bit with “now who’s ready to laugh?” and “what’s the deal with cancer”. And don’t forget Bania’s “Ovaltine” bits…

In this spirit – here’s a swimming bit:

How about those water wings? Tell me, do ducks have water wings, or regular wings? I suppose they must be regular wings cause water wings are more colourful.

And what’s with the weird names for the swimming strokes? I mean, like butterfly? I was so bad at that stroke, I felt like I was trying to fly through butter. I had about as much chance of getting to the other end as actually buttering a fly – little pesky buggers. Never mind the crawl. Another apt characterisation of my swimming abilities. And how about breastroke? I mean, I wish, hey…

Blog: Think you can do worse swimming material? Post your suggestions in the comments

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