The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Archive for the ‘Things that are Rubbish’ Category

Too much

Posted by lanktank on November 26, 2009

A client came in today at my work and I noticed that he laughs for way too long at his own jokes. We’ll be in a discussion, he’ll make a not-at-all funny joke and then crack up laughing… and laughing… and continue to laugh some more.

I give the obligatory chuckle to the crapness of the joke but sorry, that’s all I can do. And yet he carries on laughing, until it’s just him and silence. Why hasn’t he realised he’s an over-laugher?

The work colleague next to me, went through the same thing. They started talking, laughing began and my work colleague just stared at him. We both gave each other a “what the feck” look while waiting for the client to finish his hysterics.

Bizarre.

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Those People…

Posted by lanktank on November 11, 2009

There are various social situations which become the norm in life and when one breaks away from the norm, it’s not inspired but rather annoying and they should be castrated for such actions. I’m referring to

Those people:

–    Who ask how you are, to which you reply; “Fine thanks and you?” Only to have them respond; “Oh, not well.”
Great, now I know where the next 25 minutes are going. You suckered me into asking how you were only to blab about how your boss sucks and you’re considering quitting to join a conservation expedition for a year or 2 so you can find yourself.

–    Who ask too many questions when you barely know them. Can we not stick to the basic chit chat? I don’t know you and clearly we haven’t made a “friendship” connection so; let’s just stay with the weather and what we do for a living shall we? I’m not comfortable enough with you to talk about my dead Manchester Terrier or the fight I had with my best friend last week. And I’m certainly not interested in your hernia operation or the awful experience you had at the salon. It’s awkward, so stop talking.

–    Who have to explain a joke to you after you’ve just made it. It’s like; “Yes, thanks for breaking it down for me. I almost forgot why it was funny. Phew, you’re a life saver.” You know what isn’t funny? That.

–    Who don’t know when to end a conversation. You kind of know them and run into them in the mall. You make the usual; “fancy meeting you here,” and “so what brings you here,” comments and then it’s time to wrap things up. But they don’t. They just linger there, never taking the opportunity to walk away. Even when you say things like; “Aaaanyway…” and “Well you look at the time…” they still don’t get the hint. Why? Why won’t you leave? Walk away!

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Things one prefers not to endure when hung-over:

Posted by lanktank on November 9, 2009

Sunlight

The noise of a vacuum cleaner

Steri Stumpie – it seems like a good idea… until it begins curdling in your stomach

The smell of tequila

The taste of tequila

The word “tequila”

Salad

The distance from your bedroom to the bathroom… “Why don’t they build the toilet right next the bed??”

The dentist – for you and him both.

Friend calling to recapture every event and moment of the previous night.

Parents calling to ask why they never see you anymore and what you’re doing… with regards to your life.

Riding on horseback

Clubbing seals

Listening to Justin Timberlake

Brushing your hair

Singing in the shower

Oil spills in the Atlantic

Any movie by Disney

Ok so; some of these aren’t necessarily “hangover” specific. But I needed to fill the page.

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FNB lameness

Posted by lanktank on November 3, 2009

I’m not a member of FNB and not necessarily against them per se, but their new advertisement makes me want to pick up my clay horse and throw it at the TV.

It’s something about being “In this life” and it’s one of those adverts where it’s just writing, like 3 words at a time, popping up on the screen and it goes on and on and on and did I mention on? And every 2 lines, it repeats the line “In this life…” which I think is meant to be deep and poetic but in fact, comes off, stupid and pretentious.

A few of the lines I remember, are something about not blaming others and everyone loses parking tickets and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla! It’s so long and irritating, yet I continued to read it. And every time the line, “In this life…” popped onto the screen, I felt a burning anger, erupting inside of me and it wasn’t my tuna mayo sandwich I had for lunch.

And I know what you’re thinking, well, at least you remember the ad and that it’s for FNB. But the problem is, I remember it too well. It was too irritating. So every time I think of that advert now or walk past an FNB ATM, I feel resentment towards them; that they made me sit through a minute and a half of crapness.

Yes, it’s only an advert but I think I feel strongly on this one.

Oh well, I guess it’s my fault for watching Oprah after work.

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TMI

Posted by lanktank on October 14, 2009

So, one of my work colleagues wasn’t at work yesterday. When he came back today, I asked in passing, “Hey man, feeling better?” To which he replied, “I had piles.”

Silence.

Where do we go from there?

Ah, shit one?

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My Worst Nightmare

Posted by lanktank on October 8, 2009

Came true!

A colleague at work asked… I can barely type it… if I was…pregnant.

What… the… fuck?

I was slouching, ok? And wearing a really baggy jersey!

After I’d recovered from the shock of the question which had the same impact as a bowling ball to my stomach, I replied with a firm; “No!” But to make it even more excruciating, she argues with me, as if to justify it, by saying, “But what’s that over there?” (Poking at me) To which I replied: “My FAT stomach!”

Who still doesn’t know the rule? Never, ever, EVER ask someone if she’s pregnant. Unless you’re standing next to someone and their water breaks and they turn to you and say, “My water just broke, could you take me to the hospital?” And then you say, “Oh, are you pregnant?” – you DO NOT bring it up!

And if you do bring it up, and the person says no; you leave it! Sweet Moses!  You absolutely, undeniably drop it. Not try and convince me that I am!  “No, you are preggers! Look how unnaturally fat you are! How sure are you? Go to a doctor and just double check! Do this for me”

Faaaaaaack oooofffffff!

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Not at all

Posted by lanktank on October 1, 2009

My passport is about to expire. So I went into a chemist last night to see if they take passport photos as I have been informed by Home Affairs that I will be needing two.

I walked into the pharmacy and asked whether they perhaps offered the service of taking passport photo’s as I know many of them do. To which she replied, “No.”

I began to reply, “Oh, ok, Thanks anywa-” but before I could finish she cut me off and said, “Not at all!” – As if to reiterate her point of “no.”

Yes, I got that, thanks. I understand what “no” means, believe it or not. And it’s not even like I can work with “no.” What did she think I was going to say… “Ah, come on, not even a little? You don’t maybe take like half a passport photo? What about a third? Come on, give me a quarter of a passport photo and it doesn’t even have to be in colour! Please!!!”

This has clearly bugged me more than it should. But some people need be hit over the head, just because. I feel she could be one of those people.

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Integrity or Friendship?

Posted by lanktank on May 11, 2009

I suppose it was bound to happen sometime and even though I thought I was prepared for it, it’s harder than I ever could have imagined…

Fakeme…got…Crocs. Nnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Why did one of my friends have to go and do that? And not just a friend, my housemate! Someone I share a bathroom and marmalade with every single day.

Oh, she has her “reasons;” Her and Kleppie are going on the Otter Trail in Storm’s River and she needs them for hiking through the river and rock bits. She also noted that she got them on discount and would never have paid the full price. But are these excuses really good enough? And then we go see a movie the other night, (Slumdog Millionaire…I rated it) and as we’re walking out the door, I look down and guess what she’s wearing? The Crocs!

So, I’m guessing they’re not just for hiking now but for all purpose, casual evening wear too. Why did she have to go and buy them? What do I do now? I suppose disown her as a friend. The problem is that we live together, I also do rather like her, but she owns Crocs!

The only plus is that she didn’t purchase Crocs in one of their really offensive colours, like those bright pink or green highlighter colours they have on offer. So when one looks at us perhaps walking to the movies together, they may not be immediately drawn to the fact that she’s wearing a pair or plastic, clog shaped, clown shoes with deliberate holes inserted over the entire top half of the shoe.

The negative now is that she torments me with them every day. Last week I opened the cupboard where I keep my cereal and guess what fell onto my face? Her left Croc!

Damn you Fakeme… Damn you!

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Loyalty Cards

Posted by Carl Schutte on March 30, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by C-Dawg

Am I the only person who thinks that having a loyalty card for every single place you spend money at, is crazy?!

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m earning too much money, but I honestly can’t be bothered with hanging onto all these loyalty cards – I don’t even take them any more.

I’m trying to think what I currently have in my wallet… OK, I’m going to go fetch my wallet – that’ll be easier. Right, I’m back! Let’s see what we have here…

  • Visa Discovery Card
  • Dis-Chem Benefit Card
  • Partners Hair Design for Men

OK, so I don’t have too much beef with the plastic loyalty cards in my wallet.

The one from Partners is a piece of paper, that got given to me the first time I bought some hair wax. I kind of took it and just threw it into my wallet. It gets stamped every time I buy more hair wax – this happens maybe 4 times a year! So, I’ve been carrying this bloody piece of paper in my wallet, for the last couple of years. Quite frankly, it’s just a damn nuisance. It looks like it was taken into a dark alley and had the crap beaten out of it. Each time they stamp it, I think it’s going to fall apart.

Well then, why do I keep this piece of paper in my wallet? It’s like watching a bad movie, reading a bad book or choosing the wrong till queue – you get to a point where you’ve invested so much time & effort, that you just keep going, telling yourself that it’ll get better & all be worth it in the end.

Another favourite of mine was the Kauai smoothie card. I love this – they give you those tiny little stickers, for your tiny little card. Then after like 20 smoothies, you get a free R15 smoothie. R15 for all that effort – no thank you. I tossed that stupid little card into the bin. Now when I buy a smoothie, I still take that little sticker they give me. Then, I try to stick them on people without getting caught. It’s very entertaining when you’re bored. The easy choices are getting people on their back or shoulders, but if you can make direct contact with some skin, that’s like 10 points. Getting somebody on the forehead is like the ultimate prize, but unless your victim is passed out drunk, this is quite tricky. Hmm, maybe I should take these out with me when I go clubbing.

Anyway, the point is, I’m not interested in your stupid loyalty cards, but I don’t mind your tiny little stickers.

C-Dawg going radio silent….

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Serving Suggestion

Posted by Carl Schutte on March 9, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by C-Dawg

OK, is it just me or are those serving suggestions you find on everyday food items completely ridiculous?!

Has anybody else looked at these things?

I often like to have a squizz and just laugh at the sheer absurdity. I mean honestly, how much effort do these people think were going to go through?!

Then again, maybe I’m the odd one out; maybe everybody else is actually following these serving suggestions right down to the letter.

I decided to hunt around my kitchen in search of a few gems; I’d love to hear what you have lying around your kitchen.

Ouma rusks:

We have the entire box of rusks thrown out on a table. Then as side accompaniment we have a wooden bowl filled with oats, peanuts & raisins – not forgetting the wooden serving spoon. OK, so basically we’re serving on the side, some of the key ingredients of the rusks… genius, pure genius! Clearly Ouma is a firm believer of never having too much of a good thing.

Finn Crisp Cracker Bread:

Basically just stack 6 cracker breads on top of each other. Then add a rather sad looking dollop of jam, a measly piece of cheese & some tiny bit of a unknown herb as garnish. Cracker bread isn’t the most interesting meal, but this makes it look even more unappealing. It resembles a peasant food of sorts…

Tastic Heat & Eat Indian Meal:

Tastic has real crack team working in their serving suggestion department. Basically they suggest we put the ready-meal in a bowl – of course, normally I just like to stick my face into the packet. Oh, it also looks like there 8 pieces of red stuff and 4 pieces of green stuff scattered on top – I can only assume that this is chilli or regular peppers. That seems to be a common theme – they just show you the serving suggestion –  it’s up to you to guess what’s been added. Essentially you could throw pieces of coloured paper on your meal, as long as it produces the same end product. It’s kind of like when they taught you “new” maths in primary school – it didn’t matter how you worked out the sum, as long as you got the correct answer. Read the rest of this entry »

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