The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Posts Tagged ‘alcohol’

Jobs I wish were taken more seriously

Posted by lanktank on July 1, 2009

1.    The Car guard – I don’t think a luminous jacket covers it. Wouldn’t it be great if they had a batten or nunchucks and wore ninja outfits (or at least the piece of cloth around the head)? Maybe a little certificate on the wall near where they stand with a laminated Diploma in Taekwondo.

2.    The Weather Anchor – Usually they’re quite chipper which is fine except who wants chipper when they’re telling you about below 10 degree weather and storms on the way? Come on! Your little five minute report either makes or breaks my entire day. We need real emotions here! I want it broken to me gently if it’s going to be raining ridiculously hard on the weekend. Be disappointed and hurt with the rest of us. I know you don’t actually have control over the weather per se but you’re the mediator between us and MN (Mother Nature)… show a little heart.

3.    Barman/woman/person – Don’t chat amongst yourselves when you see a massive crowd of thirsty patrons desperate for alcohol to sooth and numb their problems away. Take your role as alcohol provider with some pride. Sure, the bottle flaring is impressive… for about 2.5 seconds and then I just want my drink please. Now… please?

4.    Bank Tellers/Consultants – I think I’m looking for “more helpful” here. I mean, they’re strict enough; you pretty much have to provide a blood sample before they accept you are who you are. But polite? Accommodating? Pleasant? Acquiescent? These things, they are not. People are coming to you for loans and advice, and to complete transactions in their accounts with their own money! You know those little things you asked us to open up with you, promising us the world, only to feck us in the ear as soon as we signed the contract.

5.    Cell phone providers – You’re all a bunch of wanks. I don’t really have any tips here because I’m in a good space right now and don’t feel like having an aneurism. Management of these branches need to get their shite together and provide some in-house training. Can we put some systems in place? That’s all I ask.

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10 things thought of when drunk:

Posted by lanktank on June 8, 2009

This entry was brought to you by Kappie

  1. I’m a great singer.
  2. That person is definitely into me.
  3. Of course I can jump that fence.
  4. I don’t believe that fence is electrified….bzzzzzz
  5. One more drink won’t hurt.
  6. Everything I think of makes complete sense; I wonder why I never thought of it this way before?
  7. You don’t mind if I just lay my head here for a short while do you?
  8. I know! I’ll send my ex an SMS.
  9. Same time tomorrow night? Hell yeah!
  10. That make-up would look good on me.

So… maybe you haven’t thought or done all of them… but you will… one day.

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Points System

Posted by Carl Schutte on March 4, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by C-Dawg

OK, so after my post about the Base System, I kind of got to thinking about the Points System. Now I’m not sure if our female readers are aware of this, but guys often rate women on a scale of 1 to 10. Yes, it’s a bit superficial, but if you judge our superficial ways, then you are merely sinking (or possibly rising) to our level – in which case we would win, because you would be judging the judges. I’m pretty sure that my logic has massive holes in it…

So on paper the points system is simplicity in itself. You see a girl & you give her a score out of 10 – where 10 is the very definition of hotness.

Unfortunately the points system is severely flawed. For starters, nobody is ever getting a 10. Ten is that glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel; it’s what keeps men going. We’re actually just searching for that elusive 10. We know she’s not out there, but we keep looking anyway. If anybody ever actually got a 10, I’m pretty sure that life as we know it, would cease to exist. So I think we can safely remove 10 from our choice of available numbers.

So, we’re left with numbers 1 to 9. Well, I think we would all agree that 5 is our number in the middle, so we would expect this to be the value assigned to average Jane (average Joe’s sister). Nope, because nobody ever seems to score less than 5. So, we’re working with some skewed scale from 5 to 9, with average Jane sitting somewhere at around 7. I’d have to say that only men could find a way to screw up something this simple. Now I’ve looked around, and believe me, there are some pretty ugly people out there. Things I would not like to run into in the middle of the night, much less wake up next to. So, how is it these people don’t fall between 1 and 5? Read the rest of this entry »

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The Coke Zero Experience

Posted by lanktank on November 12, 2008

Last Friday, a group of us decided to go watch a couple of bands at The Assembly. Now I love The Assembly but there have been a few buzz-kill bar experiences (like waiting over 30 minutes to get to get a drink) which have brought down the: “Enjoy-ability of the night vs amount of Hunters Dry in my body” ratio. It’s not the most dignified confession to make but a huge portion of my clubbing nights depend on how easily accessible the alcohol is from the bar to my lips.

I clearly wasn’t the only person who was a little worried about the pending night out because when the masses arrived at my house for a pre-Assembly drinks warm-up, a number of them had brought the necessary elements needed for a successful middle-of the-evening car bar – Vodka and Coke Zero 500ml bottles. Now I know what you’re thinking; being 24 and all I really should be steering away from cheap, student life manoeuvres but in my defence, it wasn’t my idea (although I was ashamed I hadn’t thought of it first) and the main instigator of it ALL was 27! So… not really sure how any of that defends my point. Moving on… Read the rest of this entry »

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