The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Posts Tagged ‘Harry Potter’

Wands at the ready

Posted by Carl Schutte on August 11, 2009

Right, so let’s just get this over with shall we.

I went to go watch Harry Twathead & the Half-Boring Prince.

*spoiler alert* – (Note from LT – seriously, C-Dawg reveals the whole film here…)

Well, I think it’s safe to say that they ended things on a high note with Order of the Phoenix. Now I don’t believe IMDB any more because they give they gave this movie a higher rating than OOTP (Order of the Phoenix – for those outside the circle of magic). Oh shut-up, it’s no different from LOTR (Lord of the Rings)! Now where was I…

Phew, I really have so little to say about this movie. Again we see them start the movie with some adrenalin – we see the Death Eaters wreaking some chaos. On the topic of Death Eaters – I’ve decided that while the name sounds kind of cool, it’s actually pretty stupid, since at no point do any of them actually eat death. Death Attempters would probably be more accurate – Death Causers at a huge push.

Apparently Hermione is sleeping over at Ron’s these days & borrowing his toothbrush or something. I didn’t find it very funny, these kids are only like 15 and there’s so much sexual tension between the two of them. I don’t think these parents are very responsible to be letting them be playing sleepover. What kind of message are we trying to send to children?! “Yeah, it’s ok to bunk up with the chick you dig when you’re 15. It’s not sex if you don’t know what you’re doing…” I bet Rowling was quite the tramp back in her youth.

It seems like the whole movie is all about character development and their relationships. Ron & the nut-case he hooks up with, leaving Hermione in tears. Ginger & the token black dude, which leaves Harry in tears. I still say that Harry & Hermione should’ve just hooked up for that one drunken evening. The kind where you wake up feeling really awkward coz you’re not sure what kind of crazy sex you just had with your good girl friend. Both of you wake up not knowing if the other one thought it meant more than it actually did. My solution for avoiding all of this is to tell her she can’t stay over – just tell her you have to get up really early to work or something. She’s a good friend, she’ll understand and if she doesn’t, well, then she wasn’t really a good friend anyway, so good riddance. Apparently Rowling didn’t want this kind of realistic smut in her book.

There’s also a teleporting cabinet and a lot of potion making, which I find quite gay. Draco is supposed to feature a bit more in this movie, but he’s just such a wimp isn’t he, so Snape has to step in. The old guy dies & the movie ends shortly after that.

I’m told that the book is better and that they left out loads of stuff in the movie. You know what – I don’t care! The whole franchise has been one big let down for me. I’m going to watch the movies and then that’s it, I’m moving on. I’m not going to waste my time reading the bloody books. Furthermore, whilst we’re on the topic, if one person even mentions Twilight, Stephanie Meyer, the movie or the books, I’m going to punch them in the face. Vampire romance – I can’t think of a worse bastardisation of the Vampire theme.

OK, I need a drink to settle my nerves. This has been an emotional post.

C-Dawg out…

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The Order of the Phoenix

Posted by Carl Schutte on July 21, 2009

OK, while it’s fresh in my mind…

Let me say that I have no intentions of becoming a Pothead, but I actually quite enjoyed this movie. Sure, it had more than a few lame parts, but finally we got to see some real magic.

It starts off with some Dementors – always good to start with some soul sappers. This movie might hold some promise…

Then we had Harry’s brief trial, which felt like a bit of a non-event for me. Great, so Harry gets to go back to school and not become a drop-out, destined for a career as a prop comic at children’s parties. Where was I?

Ah yes, our trendy trio arrives at Hogwarts. Harry’s taken a hallucinogenic of sorts and is seeing demonic horses pulling carriages. Thankfully our dear Luna assures him that he’s quite sane. Now, let me just take a moment to say what a delightful character Luna Lovegood is. Finally JK Rowling gets it right. She’s quirky, yet kind and absolutely enchanting. I really love this character; she made the movie for me. Also, I was very disappointed in Hermione, who seems very quick to call other people names. Just because Luna is driven by intuition and feeling (something which Hermione can’t learn from a book) is no reason to call her Looney!

Then we’re introduced to a very annoying female teacher – I could easily have done without seeing this old tart for most of the movie. Then there’s the whole Hogwarts takeover while Harry secretly teaches magic. The only thing I don’t understand, is when did he learn all these spells that his friends can’t do?! Hermione’s always reading – what the hell is she reading about all the time? What exactly is her forte? I’m not entirely sure what Ron does either really. He’s like that really good friend who’s actually a dumb-ass, but he’ll always do you a solid.

Oh, I almost forgot! How lame was Harry’s kiss with Cho; “Mistletoe, did you just make that grow? Harry, you dog…” Oh, here’s a pointer for you Harry. When you kiss a girl, don’t stand half a metre away from her and lean in with your arms behind your back. You look like a chicken pecking at some seeds. For god’s sakes man, get up close to your woman, maybe plant one hand on her ass and stroke the other through her hair. I don’t care if they’re only 16 – it’s the principle! Read the rest of this entry »

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