The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Posts Tagged ‘review’

The Time Traveler’s Wife Pre-review

Posted by Carl Schutte on September 4, 2009

OK, so apparently I give away too much in my movie reviews. So, I’m going to try something completely different – I’m going to review a movie which I have never seen. Not only have I not seen it, but I have no inclination or intention to watch it. There is probably only one likely scenario where I see myself watching this movie and that is if I awoke one morning and had spontaneously sprouted female reproductive organs. Yes, that is the only way I’m going to watch this movie.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good romantic comedy. Also, it’s not a coincidence that Hugh Grant happens to be in some of the best romantic comedies. I wasn’t a fan of the Bridget Jones franchise though. Admittedly I watched those whilst in somewhat dead-end relationships, which may have something to do with it. The point is I’m not averse to a romantic comedy, but I find the romantic drama to be somewhat contrived. Now I don’t expect all movies to be firmly grounded in reality, but occasionally a movie will come along with a plot so painfully thin that it deserves to go straight to DVD.

A good friend of mine went to watch District 9 and told me about this trailer he’d seen. The whole thing sounded so formula – with only one intention – to give women around the opportunity to have a good cry. Allow me to present you with the plot of this movie:

“A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel and the complications it creates for his marriage.”

All through the ages people have been trying to build time machines, when the secret to time travel was right under our noses – a simple gene. Now if only they could isolate the gene that makes time travel voluntary… can you say sequel? I can see the tag-line now:

“Our favourite Chicago librarian is back and this time he can choose if he wants to stay the night… but he still doesn’t.”

Now don’t let the wording in the plot fool you. They make it sound like his time travelling gene is the problem. I think the real problem is that we’re dealing with a male librarian. I mean what kind of career choice is this for a man?! Were supposed to be hunters… gatherers… providers – this guy is just a lazy bum. We don’t all need to be doctors and lawyers – sure, we should do what makes us happy, but it still has to pay the bills. Don’t even think about giving me that nonsense about: “it didn’t matter, because all they needed was their love for each other” Yeah, that’s great, but when you need to convert your kitchen into a meth-lab, I’m guessing it’s going to put a bit of strain on the marriage. So not only is this guy basically broke, but he also spontaneously disappears.

Oh that’s just great! We all know how upset women get when we leave – even when they know we’re leaving – they still get upset. Now we’ve got a guy who’s only ever around for random amounts of time, but he wants to settle down. The one man on Earth who is given the thumbs up to lead a life of meaningless, physical relationships & he says no thank you. Furthermore, how stupid is this girl – falling for the old time traveller routine?! Guys use this one all the time to get out of meaningful relationships; it has to be right up there with telling a woman that you’re a really a secret agent. So he’s an idiot for wanting to settle down and she’s an idiot for settling down with somebody who’s only ever around for random periods of time – actually, they’re perfect for each other. Read the rest of this entry »

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They’re cats and they look like Hitler

Posted by lanktank on August 30, 2009

So I’m sitting in the TV room with FirstChild and we’re flicking the remote back and forth between the two movie channels. The movies in question are Blonde Ambition starring Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson and My Super Ex-Girlfriend starring Uma Thurman and guess who? Luke Wilson!

This could be the worst hour of both our lives. These are possibly the worst 2 movies I have ever sat through. We’re trying to establish why they’re so bad. Is it the acting, direction or possibly the writing? Story line is abysmal.

The one with Uma Thurman is marginally better but I think it’s because Jessica Simpson makes me want to cut my own arm off. And shame on you Luke Wilson, what were you thinking?

This is my Public Announcement for the week: NEVER WATCH THESE MOVIES, EVER…. EVER…..ever.

Something far more enjoyable: Cats that look like Hitler!!!

Check it out: http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigbest.pl?1

It will definitely make you chuckle….maybe just a little.

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Taxi Violence Review

Posted by DMeister on August 17, 2009

taxi violence

So it was the launch of the new Taxi Violence album, The Turn, at Mercury on Friday, in case you didn’t know.
If you missed it, then you missed out, it was awesome. I suppose that’s the reason they’re one of the best live bands currently on the South African music scene.

The night started out pretty normal, a couple of beers at my place, followed by some Tequila’s and Tequila, followed by more beers. It’s a vicious cycle really.
We decided to take a taxi there, following in the spirit of things and seeing that no one was offering to be the designated driver for the evening; that’s always a sign of things to come.
In retrospect I think I didn’t need to drink quite as much as I did. My heads still not a 100% and I think that I can still taste the tequila and Black label…mmm.

But anyway moving on. The new album is awesome, as was expected. I bought the CD as soon as I got there. Not the smartest thing because it meant that I( and by “I”, I actually mean LT) had to carry it around for the rest of the night.
The time between buying the CD and listening to the band was made up by me (Again, actually LT) trying to get the CD signed by each band member (The Drummer was the most elusive and in the end was the one name I didn’t get, I didn’t want to say it but I think that he might be a ninja… maybe) as well as some on stage antics from Paul Snodgrass. (You might know him from such favourites as South African wrestling on E-tv, and he’s a comedian, the list is endless).

Every time that I’ve watched them play I’ve been impressed. There’s always so much energy on stage and Friday was no different. There were a couple of guest stars there, including Francois van Coke (Fokofpolisiekar) who did some backup singing on “Untie yourself”. I also spotted a few musicians from other bands there, this goes to show the support that they receive from their fans, and even other musos.

I got so into the music that eventually I had down my beer to go and join the other sweaty drunks at the front, for some jumping around while shouting out every lyric I could remember. It was awesome and my apologies to the girl who was unfortunate enough to be in front of me…Some one pushed me, I promise.

Taxi Violence have actually been playing their new tracks for a while now, so it’s nice to finally get them on a CD. In fact they’ve been playing them for so long I find myself singing to the songs on the album already.
So to sum it up: watch them, get the album, play it loud! What more is there!

If you haven’t heard of Taxi Violence, go check out their MySpace page, Taxi Violence

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The Order of the Phoenix

Posted by Carl Schutte on July 21, 2009

OK, while it’s fresh in my mind…

Let me say that I have no intentions of becoming a Pothead, but I actually quite enjoyed this movie. Sure, it had more than a few lame parts, but finally we got to see some real magic.

It starts off with some Dementors – always good to start with some soul sappers. This movie might hold some promise…

Then we had Harry’s brief trial, which felt like a bit of a non-event for me. Great, so Harry gets to go back to school and not become a drop-out, destined for a career as a prop comic at children’s parties. Where was I?

Ah yes, our trendy trio arrives at Hogwarts. Harry’s taken a hallucinogenic of sorts and is seeing demonic horses pulling carriages. Thankfully our dear Luna assures him that he’s quite sane. Now, let me just take a moment to say what a delightful character Luna Lovegood is. Finally JK Rowling gets it right. She’s quirky, yet kind and absolutely enchanting. I really love this character; she made the movie for me. Also, I was very disappointed in Hermione, who seems very quick to call other people names. Just because Luna is driven by intuition and feeling (something which Hermione can’t learn from a book) is no reason to call her Looney!

Then we’re introduced to a very annoying female teacher – I could easily have done without seeing this old tart for most of the movie. Then there’s the whole Hogwarts takeover while Harry secretly teaches magic. The only thing I don’t understand, is when did he learn all these spells that his friends can’t do?! Hermione’s always reading – what the hell is she reading about all the time? What exactly is her forte? I’m not entirely sure what Ron does either really. He’s like that really good friend who’s actually a dumb-ass, but he’ll always do you a solid.

Oh, I almost forgot! How lame was Harry’s kiss with Cho; “Mistletoe, did you just make that grow? Harry, you dog…” Oh, here’s a pointer for you Harry. When you kiss a girl, don’t stand half a metre away from her and lean in with your arms behind your back. You look like a chicken pecking at some seeds. For god’s sakes man, get up close to your woman, maybe plant one hand on her ass and stroke the other through her hair. I don’t care if they’re only 16 – it’s the principle! Read the rest of this entry »

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Harry Potter – I Don’t Get It

Posted by Carl Schutte on July 14, 2009

Let me just start by saying that I’m not a fan of the Harry Potter franchise.

I have no intention of reading the books, as I feel that there is a strong likelihood of them being as boring as the movies.

I had not seen a single Harry Potter movie until 2007. My friends kept going on about how great they were and how I absolutely had to watch them.

I’d held out long enough, hoping for the hype to die down. Could it be that this Harry Potter nonsense actually has some substance?!

So I watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. It was rubbish. Let the magic begin. More like let the wasted hours of my life begin. A movie about a bunch of toddlers doing stupid levitation spells. Yawn.

OK, it’s supposed to get better. So, I press on to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Now they proceed to add a stupid character called Dobby, who is only mildly less annoying than Jar Jar Binks. I can’t even remember what this one was about; I’m guessing some secretive chamber. I’m sorry but including a flying car is not enough to get you nominated for an award – not as far as I’m concerned.

Now I’m promised that the movies become darker; that this childish fantasy will come to an end. Time to watch Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This movie did give me some hope. There did appear to be a step towards a darker more adult theme. Let’s just take a moment to mention the tag line: “Something wicked this way comes.” Did they bring in master Yoda to write that for them? (Yes, I made another Star Wars reference!) I remember them including some more interesting creatures like griffins and werewolves. Let’s put this one down as the best one to date. Still, it’s not a classic by a long-shot. Also, I’m not even sure who the prisoner was… Read the rest of this entry »

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SA Idols Top Ten Review

Posted by lanktank on March 8, 2009

Everyone I know is talking about this year’s Idols (that’s a lie, no one I know is talking about it) but it’s still pretty big so I thought, a lot has progressed since my last entry on SA Idol’s 2009 and it’s about time for another.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven’t watched the show since my last entry a month ago. So I don’t have anyone in particular I like, or any history or pre-watching with these current contestants. All I know is that we’re down to the final top ten contestants and first up is a girl named:

1. Ntsepa: She seemed sweet and her voice was good. She’s also very pretty and probably a genuinely nice person. I didn’t think it was as amazing as what the judges did but enjoyable none the less.

2. Lendel: God I hate this song so much. He’s busy singing that “you are my, my, my, my lady… something” song. So unfortunate if someone picks a song that you can’t stand; you automatically favour that person less. Which is what has happened here: His voice isn’t THAT bad, but the song sucks, he keeps letting out these little yelps of excitement… “Woo! Hoo! Yoo!” and the way he keeps, signalling to the crowd to cheer louder: Annoying. And he just yelped again! He sounds like a tortured poodle. Stop it!

Now we get about 17 promo’s and sponsorships between singers performances. It’s not even done tastefully. Let’s cross over to this amazing spa and listen to the contestants talk about how great it is to be in the top ten while getting their eyebrows tinted.

3.  Sasha-Lee: I thought not bad but sort of phased out while M.O. and Dee were asking me if I’d heard of tonight’s M-Net 8pm movie and whether or not I liked it – until I suddenly became irritable and wasn’t sure why. Then I realised, it was Sasha-Lee, reaching the peak of the song… loud…too loud. A shite Celine Dion song choice too. Yuk.

4. Thembi: A Mariah Carey number, “You’ll always be my baby.” Everyone is picking the cheesiest, corniest songs. Why? What was the theme for this week? Pop Song Disasters for our time? Again, I didn’t love it but the judges love them all. Maybe the tuning from live singing to television isn’t right. Like sound waves or something. I’m serious because everyone sounds bleh! But she was probably second best so far… first being Ntsepa.

Who is this presenter? I’m trying to like her, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t. I can’t put my finger on it, but when I watch her I feel like scratching the skin off my arm, at least until I can see bone. Is this a good thing to be experiencing? Oh, she’s just said Cameron is up next and the girls seem to have gone ballistic. I think I remember him from last time… also I know Luwie loves him. Read the rest of this entry »

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SA Idols 2009 Review

Posted by lanktank on February 8, 2009

Idols is back in our South African lives and it’s Season 5 of the show. Season 5, man time flies. The first and last season I ever watched of SA Idols was the one where Anke won. Remember her? Of course you don’t.

But that was years ago and I felt it not right to make my little Idols jokes without giving it another go. It’s addictive, I remember that. So my concern is that I might be committing myself to something I’ll eventually end up resenting (Can anyone say Dawson’s Creek?) but it’s been a few years and maybe aspects of the show have changed. Just as people grow and progress, T.V. shows can do that too.

According to my mother, the show started a week ago. So forgive me, I’m a tad behind. But I’m sitting here at 17:20, at my parent’s house on a Sunday afternoon and I’m feeling positive. What does SA have to offer? Read the rest of this entry »

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