The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Posts Tagged ‘Seinfeld’

That’s “gold”

Posted by Laurence on February 25, 2009

We here at The Lank Tank are starting a new feature – trying to come up with the worst imaginable standup material. For example, who could ever forget the Seinfeld episode where Jerry starts his bit with “now who’s ready to laugh?” and “what’s the deal with cancer”. And don’t forget Bania’s “Ovaltine” bits…

In this spirit – here’s a swimming bit:

How about those water wings? Tell me, do ducks have water wings, or regular wings? I suppose they must be regular wings cause water wings are more colourful.

And what’s with the weird names for the swimming strokes? I mean, like butterfly? I was so bad at that stroke, I felt like I was trying to fly through butter. I had about as much chance of getting to the other end as actually buttering a fly – little pesky buggers. Never mind the crawl. Another apt characterisation of my swimming abilities. And how about breastroke? I mean, I wish, hey…

Blog: Think you can do worse swimming material? Post your suggestions in the comments

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Wire Fever

Posted by lanktank on February 12, 2009

It’s happened again, it’s struck me with force and by all means, I’ve welcomed it. I’ve found a T.V. show that I’m addicted to. Every once in a while, you’ll be watching your regular, run of the mill, get you through the week T.V. shows when out of the blue you find a gem. Absolute gold and you thank your lucky stars you’ve stumbled onto it. The first show I ever felt that way about was roughly 13 years ago when I turned on the television and Seinfeld was on.

Since then, there have been a few; to name some: The West Wing, 24, The Office (UK), Arrested Development, The Office (USA), Flight of the Conchords and now my latest obsession is The Wire.

To all the Wire fans out there, please forgive me. I know the show came to an end entirely last year after five seasons in the States, and here I am talking about it as if it’s brand new, but I was a little slow on this one. And I know how excruciating it is to have to listen to someone telling everyone about this “great show” THEY discovered and it’s so good bla bla bla, when you’ve already been watching it for 3 years. I felt the same way with The Office. I watched it the day they released it in South Africa, only for it to finally catch on 2 years later on the fourth re-running of it or something ridiculous. You’d overhear people discussing it, like it’s the new kid on the block, yet they still haven’t managed to figure out all the names of the characters properly: “Ya, I love that Ted guy, he should totally get with that blonde chick.” All I’m busy thinking is, “breath, breath, breath!” Read the rest of this entry »

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Seinfeld saves the day

Posted by lanktank on December 22, 2008

I was out the other night for a friend’s birthday party. It was one of those parties’ where you know the person that invited you… and that’s pretty much it. So when you’re in situations such as this one, it’s essential to find things that make you look busy.

My usual routine involves taking the longest possible route to the bar, then once I’m there; spending an abnormal amount of time getting a drink, drinking a drink etc. Checking my phone a couple of times and fake smsing is always a goodie, taking a trip to the bathroom stalls a little more time, especially if there’s a queue, until eventually managing to subtly edge my way into a conversation with a group of people who may or may not notice me, but at least I’m not standing by myself.

I followed this procedure and made my why to the group standing closest to the bar. If nothing else, I thought I could at least talk to them about their strategic positioning from dance floor to bar vicinity. However, no matter how hard I attempted to converse with these people they didn’t seem interested in having me there. Try as I might, every joke, every topic, every noise that came out of my mouth was given a stern look, an ever so soft, “tsk” before resuming their discussion on pot plants or coasters or whatever drivel that was spewing out of their mouths.  (Do I sound bitter?) Here I am, working my bee-hind off, coming up with gold! Gold I tell you! Only to be given the  old shoulder edge out of the circle. Who did they think they were? Giving me the shoulder edge? I invented the shoulder edge! (I didn’t but you get me)
Just as I was about to call it quits, I overheard one of the guys in the group trying to tell the other guy a bit from Seinfeld’s stand up, “I’m telling you for the last time,” but he kept forgetting the punch line (typical). As I consider myself somewhat of a Seinfeld enthusiast, I grabbed this opportunity and quickly intervened… “Greatest guy in the world, never heard of him… The guy must’ve be thinking, if I had a pimple I would’ve won!”

I totally didn’t set that punch line up for you but if you haven’t watched this stand-up before, then I’m not sure I even want you reading this blog… that’s right, you heard me, GET OUTTA HERE!

I’m kidding! Come back! Come back! Come baaaaaack!

But you really should watch: the Jerry Seinfeld, ‘I’m telling you for the last time” DVD. You’ll be a better person for it, or at least a funnier one.

Anyway, thanks to Seinfeld, I was back in the game, suddenly well respected and deemed acceptable to talk to. Things were going great until I mentioned Ricky Gervais. They had never heard of him, so now it was my turn to snub them… and snub them I did! “You don’t know who Ricky Gervais is? I’m sorry, and we were getting along so well, but this conversation is over…”

Now, if you don’t know who Ricky Gervais is, then you really do need to stop reading this blog.

Kidding….no….yes I am…not really…of course I am…NOT…maybe…am…

It’s nearly Christmas, I’m losing it. Sorry.

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