The Lank Tank

Why so serious?

Posts Tagged ‘wedding’

It happens

Posted by lanktank on November 23, 2009

You don’t want to be that person but we all have been at some point in our awkward, less than perfect lives…

You know,

–    That A-Hole who forgets to turn off their cell phone and it rings during a groom’s wedding speech.

–    Having a tickle in your throat and beginning to cough during a small, intimate theatre production.

–    Crying during a movie, in the cinema on your first date.

–    Being the nose sniffer during a crucial final exam. You can feel the people around you, staring, sighing, wishing an asteroid would land on your face.

–    Falling asleep during a work meeting. Not necessarily “full on” sleeping but your eyes are opening and closing at an abnormally slow pace.

–    Tripping as you walk into a house party… or a club.

–    Talking exceptionally loud at a party because the music is blasting but then it suddenly turns off. You’re still talking at that volume. Here, it never really matters what you’re actually saying, it’s always embarrassing. But usually whatever you are saying… is embarrassing.

–    Eating something and it’s so hot you have to spit it out. Only to look around and realise you’re in company.

I suppose we can take comfort to know that we’re not alone. It happens to everybody… unless it doesn’t and it’s just me! Oh no! Oh no! Don’t say it to be true!

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Weekend bomber

Posted by lanktank on September 21, 2009

This weekend, I went to a wedding. The person in question getting married was DMeister’s work colleague. So not only was I not going to know anyone there but the entire ceremony was going to be in Afrikaans too. Which is fine, if only I could remember how to speak it. Damn my Grade 4 teacher for not checking my unfinished Afrikaans homework, thereby letting me fall behind forever more in the language!

As the wedding was not in Cape Town, we had to travel there in the day and stay the night. When we got there everyone was around, having drinks and sitting in the Sun before the wedding was to start. We looked at them, they looked at us, then DMeister and I looked at each other. And I said, “I know they’re your work colleagues and you don’t want me to embarrass you but just so you know, I will be drinking the wine tonight… a lot of it.”

As I was making my way to the outside bar, I ran into the groom. I only knew this because I heard someone saying his name and I remembered it from the invitation. He gave me that look like, “I don’t know you, why are you here?” So I explained I was the date of his wife-to-be’s work colleague. He said, “Ah, yes” and things were ok again. We chatted briefly until I inevitably queried, “So? You nervous?”

Why do we ask the groom this on his wedding day? Why would we want to bring to light this obvious emotion that more than likely he is feeling, perhaps to the point where he begins to panic, break out into a cold sweat and before we know it, he’s stolen a car and is heading for the Namibian border at 250km/h… all because you had nothing else to ask him. And then it’s your fault that the wedding’s off and the bride is in tears. You don’t need that drama.

But I did ask and he said, “Well, a little, this being my first wedding and all, so I’m not too sure what to do.”

Cue: Chuckle, chuckle

Where I precede to say, “Ya, don’t worry. I’m sure by your 2nd or 3rd marriage this will be nothing for you!”

Cue: Silence

Groom: Well, I’m hoping this is my only one.

Me: No, I know.

Cue: Tumble weed.

Awkward silence.

Clear my throat.

Groom walks away.

It was a lovely wedding though, and I did have a blast.

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Wedding Watching

Posted by lanktank on March 24, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by Kappie

Last Saturday LT, D-Meister and I had a wedding out in Franschoek. Knowing the drive was long and that we didn’t have a place to stay, Kappie decided to step up to the plate and drive.

It felt good…surprisingly. All I did was just sit back, relax and enjoy all the other peoples’ antics. There were some good ones, but first off straight after the wedding a small toddler… yes, toddler, needed to be fed and the mother was not shy to feed it in front of everyone at the reception. Now, I’m all for boobs, but there’s something mildly uncomfortable about a boob being used for what it was originally designed for. This of course didn’t stop a snappy guest trying to steal a photo of this natural happening, but all that came out was some blurry people constantly getting in the way…not that I took the photo or anything.

Moving on to the starter at the dinner table, I had no idea what to make of it. There were some weird looking leaves that looked like they were picked from my garden in a salad slash biltong dish. Not to mention a ball of doughy stuff as well as a soup bowl the size of a shooter glass that I thought was salad dressing. To top it, there was some actual corn flakes; you can imagine my surprise when there was no milk and sugar.

Other than that, the wedding was really great. The beer was flowing (although I had no part of it) and then the dance-floor opened up. This is when things got tricky for some. The DJ’s mistake was when he had drums, shakers and tambourines and let everyone play with them to the music. This turned mainly into interpretative dance because no one had good rhythm or coordination and you know things are getting bad when D-Meister is trying to coach someone on the drums. Just when the dance-floor was getting at its busiest, a secretive guest decided to let rip with the vilest smelling fart I have ever smelt dispersed itself among us. I thought the roof of the building was going to fly off.

After much more dancing and gassing, the time had come to make the long trip home. Loading LT and D-Meister in the car only took 30 minutes and as soon as LT hit the seat she was fast asleep. D-Meister was a trooper until he found the seat-belt, made a pretty good semi-hammock with it and fell asleep with his body leaning forward while the seat belt caught and supported him.And there he rocked.

This left me with only one thing to do; sing…

On the road again. Oh, I just can’t wait to be on the road again…

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SAP Run-in

Posted by lanktank on March 6, 2009

This blog entry was brought to you by Kappie

Recently I found myself in the land of the free. Yes, the great Orange Free State, Bloemfontein. I had a wedding to go to there and once I heard I was invited to the bachelor’s too there was no way I was going to say no.

The bachelor’s started like a normal one really, with drinks flowing. The soon to be married man (dead man walking) being dressed up in stockings and what not and of course photos with random hot chicks we saw on the way.

The bachelor, having a poor form of drinking habits, retired early or should I say basically got kidnapped by his soon to be father in-law and whisked away in fear of anything really bad happening. I don’t know why he felt that way, but in hindsight I almost begin to understand.

We carried on the party without him and on our trip home we happened to pass a police van, but not any old van. It was a giant personnel carrier with wheels almost the same height as a 12 year old. Of course it being left unguarded and in the middle of a field I thought now was the perfect time to get some photos. It started out fairly mild with us just posing next to the van, then pretending we got arrested, then us on top of the van and finally us IN the van. Why they left it unlocked is beyond me.

Up the road when we were right at the back of the van playing “good cop, bad cop” we saw blue lights coming down the road. Read the rest of this entry »

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